To the Guy Who Walks Behind Me on the Streets

My whole life I was suspicious about men, about my sexual appearance toward them.

I know men have a strong sexual drive, I know men are stronger and are able to hurt a girl or woman. When I walk on the streets, I know some of them look. Their eyes burning in my back and I am honestly afraid.My family is very open and we talk about a lot of things that might be hard for others to talk about. This is because my mom is a therapist and she knew that at some point speaking up would help us understand things, understand life.One day my mother, my brother, and I were at the dinner table and I spoke up about those unsafe feelings on the streets. The uncomfortable feeling when the sun just went down. Or when there are not many people around except for just one man. I told them how my body reacts—the way my heart starts pounding and I automatically walk faster. The way I look behind me to keep an eye on that person. The way I make a quick-scan to identify the man and try to remember the details.Sometimes my mom nods, she understand most things I’m saying but my brother doesn’t. He is a male after all. He’s really tall and strong. If he wasn't my brother, I definitely would be scared if he was walking behind me in the alley.He was kind of hurt by hearing this because—apparently—he recognizes my behavior in a lot of girls on the streets. “You know how hard it can be for a guy to not be trusted?” Sometimes he would stop walking, go another route or pass by the girl in question just to make her feel more safe and show her he doesn’t have bad intentions.After this conversation, I thought about my brother's comments A LOT. I felt kind of sorry for him. He was right, my paranoid behavior can actually hurt people’s feelings. That’s the last thing I want!So this is to the guy who walks behind me on the streets:I’m sincerely sorry. Sorry for the way I behave, sorry for my paranoia. I’m sorry for treating you like a molester. I shouldn’t be doing that; I know that; I know it’s not fair.You watch me walking faster, you might feel how frightened I am. You might even blame yourself because you’re intimidating me. Believe me, it’s not you. Of course I understand it hurts your feelings, you feel worthless because you can’t do a thing about it. You can’t un-be a man. It’s how God, the Universe made you.The only thing I want you to know is that it isn’t personal—it’s my problem and it has nothing to do with you. Due the people in my life, the things they’ve done and my traumas, I’m acting the way I am. When I walk on the streets at night I see a movie in my mind of me getting hurt, like the many times it really happened. The imaginary movie never has a happy end. I either get hurt or I’ll die and anything that’s between those two options. I can’t help being scared, shouldn’t I be?Please believe me when I’m telling you, I’m fighting really hard to change. But it will take some time. I hope you can be patient and try to understand where all this is coming from.I never meant to distrust you as a male but it happened and now we both have make our way through this. Please comfort yourself with knowing that this is my problem and you can go on, it’s unnecessary to get affected. Just stay a proper man who’s nice to women, that’s all we need.~written by Namasté allday~