The Light of my Voice

I was seventeen years old and I was raped by my neighbor Bobby. This is my story and how I got my voice back.

On January 11, 1997, I was talking to my neighbor Jennifer on the phone that evening. She said that her brother Bobby wanted to talk to me, so she passed him the phone. I said "Hello." Bobby said, "Hey, Lizzy, I have a Christmas gift for you. Can you meet me at the McDonald's before school?" I told him I didn't want to be late for class. He said, "Lizzy, it won't take that long. I will drop you off at school." So I said okay. I had a bad feeling, something didn't feel right.On January 12, 1997, I was dropped off at school and then I walked to the McDonald's. I had a really bad feeling but I ignored it. I waited but I wanted to leave. I was hoping he didn't show up. I was nervous, especially because our parents went to that McDonald's. He picked me up and we went to his apartment. I looked around it was quiet and no one was there. I got really nervous and scared. I had never been alone with anybody before. As I entered the front door, I saw a stuffed animal to the right of me. He locked the front door and closed and locked the bedroom door.We went into the tiny room. Right at that moment I knew there was something wrong. I thought to myself, why would he lock the doors if there was nobody there? He had a look that I had never seen in him before. So I told myself I better cooperate or he is going to hurt or kill me. He told me to take off my panties, so I did what he asked me to do. He got on top of me and raped me. I pushed his stomach to stop him. He didn't stop; he just went harder and faster. After that, I just went numb. All I could smell was his body odor of cologne and sweat. I wanted  him to stop, it hurt so bad.

Why would he lock the doors if there was nobody there?

I wanted to hit him and tell him to stop, but I couldn't move my body. I was yelling in my head and telling him to stop. I couldn't say the words out loud. I just froze and laid there like I was paralyzed, I couldn't even move a finger. I was scared if I tried to fight him he would hurt me and the situation would get worse. As I laid there, I looked to the left of me. I saw myself looking in as I was getting raped. I guess you call it an out of body experience. He enticed me to have sex with me.I was a virgin, and I was saving myself for someone who I loved. I was raised as a Catholic and one of my dreams was to wait until I got married to give my virginity to someone special. He took my virginity away. Tears were falling on the right side of my face. After a while, I felt so numb. I didn't know what to do. I lost my voice. I got dressed like nothing happened. That was the day that I pretended that everything was okay. On the way to my school he was like "Hey, Lizzy, how old are you? When do you turn eighteen?" I said I just turned seventeen, four months ago in September.

I was scared if I tried to fight him he would hurt me and the situation would get worse.

He was twenty. I knew he was three years older than me. He said, “Hey don't tell anyone what happened,” and I said okay. He dropped me off at school and I was late to class. I went to the bathroom and pulled my panties down and there was a lot of blood on them. I started to freak out and I cried. I peed as I sat there. It hurt so much. My privates were burning and it felt like a cut or something I never experienced before. I was ashamed of what I had done. I felt so guilty and disgusting. I wanted to go home and take a shower. I went to class and my best friend Jack was like “What’s wrong, Lizzy?” I looked at him and I told him I was raped by my neighbor.I told him please don't tell anyone. Later when I went home I put my panties in the trash. I didn't want anyone  knowing what had happened. After that day, I was not the same. He took everything away from me. My dignity, virginity, self-respect, confidence, and much more. This happened to me twenty years ago. I broke up with my boyfriend twenty years ago because I got scared and I thought he wouldn't understand. Well I should've never done that. One thing I know I should've done was to go to the hospital to get examined to have evidence and then go to the police and report it. By the time I was going to report it, it was way too late. Why didn't I report it? My reason was because our parents were best friends and I didn't want to ruin that. I also didn't want anyone knowing what happened to me. I cared about everyone else’s feelings instead of my own. I felt like the rape was all my fault. I didn't understand—I thought I knew him. He would take us to school sometimes. I trusted him. I didn't understand why it happened to me. We went on family trips together, he bought me a gift for my birthday—I just couldn't comprehend what had happened after the rape. I couldn't trust anyone. It's still hard for me to trust anyone. I started doing drugs. I did weed, cocaine, ecstasy, and bars. I also drank alcohol everyday, and then after a while, I got into prescription drugs like somas, lowersets, and lowertabs. I did drugs all day long and basically washed it down with alcohol. I had many sexual encounters. I cut my legs for many years, I still have the scars and I still get urges. It was the only way I could take away all the emotional pain. I hated myself, I didn't care what happened to me. I drove while I was on drugs and alcohol.

I hated myself, I didn't care what happened to me.

One day I woke up and I looked into the mirror. I was like, this isn't me. I don't want to do this anymore. So I moved away and I straightened out my life and got off all drugs and alcohol. I still suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, Bipolar Disorder, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, uncontrollable thoughts, social anxiety and much more. I still get flashbacks and I can't tell the difference which is my past and which is reality. I still think I am still in the past with my rapist and I am not aware of my surroundings and where I am at. I get depressed and I also have suicidal thoughts. I don't do the activities I once enjoyed. I can't focus on anything. I get angry at times, I blame myself for what happened. Sometimes I feel numb where I don't feel anything at all. I also feel guilty for letting it happen. I can't sleep at night and I have really bad insomnia. The rape ruined my life. It is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the rape.  It changed me. Where am I at now? Twenty years later, I am back with my boyfriend who I love with all my heart. He was my first love and my last love. We have been together for two years. I also have been blessed with a four-year-old son.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the rape.

These are the tools I use to get through my day.

1. I meditate twice a day
2. I do yoga everyday
3. I write everyday
4. I think of ways to be more positive
5. I try to be a better person
6.  I write positive quotes and read them to feel more at ease
7. I write poetry to take out my emotions on paper
8. I go to therapy to talk out my feelings twice a week
9. I workout everyday

My advice to you

My advice to you is if you ever been raped, please report it because it will haunt you for the rest of your life, and your rapist should never get away what he has done to you, he may do it to someone else. Even though I didn't help myself at the time, I am here to help others because I know what it’s like when you feel lost and you're emotionally drained and you feel that nobody will understand you. Your voice is taken away and you lose your achievements, goals, dignity, strength, virginity, confidence, appearance, hobbies, beliefs, and identity. You lose control of your life.The truth is you didn't lose anything. You gained courage to gain your voice back. You try everything that you can to have a voice again. Even if it means many years have passed. It is never too late as long as it gets done. It’s better now or never. For me it’s been twenty years. I am grateful that it happened because I wouldn't be here today telling you my story. This is my destiny, I want to help others by sharing my story. I also want to help organizations with support groups for rape survivors. I want to do so much more. I want to speak publicly in schools to warn everyone of the dangers or what signs to look for. This is my passion, I will not stop speaking, I am not going to be silent anymore.

You didn't lose anything. You gained courage to gain your voice back.

It has made me a stronger person and has made me realize the person that I want to be. I am a beautiful, confident, strong, creative, and intelligent person. There is no one in this world that can bring me down. The only person I try to be better than is the person I was before. The only person I have told my story to is my boyfriend and now I am confident and I am sharing it with you. You are not alone. I wish I had told my story to someone when it first happened. So I hope I can help others by telling you my story. Gain the light in your voice. I am no longer silent.