Redefining Me

Often when I ponder my past,

I find myself struggling with the idea of how to define myself rather than struggling with the events that took place themselves. I repeat over and over to myself the perpetual mantra: I am a survivor not a victim, as if simply repeating these words can change my reality. Yet, even this mantra makes me uneasy. I do not want my abuser to define me, this abuse becoming a label permanently glued to my shirt defining who I am and where I can go. That would be letting my abuser win power over me once more — an eternal defeat perpetuating across infinity. For me, my abuse is not an excuse to feel bad for myself, to not go out into the world because of fear, or to not accomplish anything I want. Rather, my abuse is the motivation to overcome this situation, to become the best, strong, powerful woman I can become, and to not stop until the world is cleansed of these injustices. However, ignoring my abuse for so long for these very reasons inhibited my ability to heal. I was wearing a mask, an imposter in my own “confident” skin. Throughout the years, I have learned I can never truly be me without accepting what I have been through and actively working past it. It may not define who I am or where I can go, but it is a part of my story — the story left untold until now.

I do not want my abuser to define me, this abuse becoming a label permanently glued to my shirt defining who I am and where I can go. That would be letting my abuser win power over me once more — an eternal defeat perpetuating across infinity.

This is the story of me, a girl from a family of six who was sexually abused by her older brother for somewhere between three and five years, and my story of overcoming that situation. This is my story of redefining myself, and ultimately deciding to reject the labels. I am not a victim, and I am not a survivor. Rather, I am me — the motivated woman who is ready to take on the world and become the best version of herself possible. This story may be a part of who I am, but this story is not who I am. Although this distinction may seem small, to me it made the world of difference in finally accepting and overcoming my situation.

I am not a victim, and I am not a survivor. Rather, I am me — the motivated woman who is ready to take on the world and become the best version of herself possible.

-APODEROSA