My Grandfather

Like she mentioned earlier,

L's first memories of the abuse she endured from her grandpa happened when she was around five years old. He would follow her into the bathroom or sneak into her room at night when she'd have sleepovers at his house. "In my mind, I thought everyone's relationship with their grandpa was like this," L said. "And the older I got, the more graphic things became."Eventually she got uncomfortable. But her unwillingness to cooperate was met with rage. He would get violent with her. And in public, he'd gift L's two other female cousins with lavish gifts, alienating her even further. Here's a longer except on this, because I think the way L words this part of her story is important. I don't want to paraphrase what she has to say here:

"I wasn't sure why it was me. And even though I thought the relationship was normal, I couldn't understand why I was singled out. It would be anytime I was alone with him or anytime I was sleeping over my grandparents’ house. He would come into my bedroom at night or if I had to go to the bathroom, he would follow me into the bathroom. If had to do homework — and he had his own bar in the basement — he would come downstairs and he would do homework with me. Finally, once I started getting older and older, probably when I was 9 or 10, it was to the point where I didn't want to sleep over anymore. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want these advances or these situations that he put me in, and I didn't really understand what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing or why — and then to get that backlash. At first, it would be little. He would buy all my cousins gifts and not buy me anything. And he acted like he hated me. He’d be harsh and mean and then it got physical. He would grab me or just get mean.”

Years later, L found out her grandpa’s predatory behaviors started well before she was born. Once she spoke out, her father’s former babysitters all told her “me too.”

Finally, once I started getting older and older, probably when I was 9 or 10, it was to the point where I didn't want to sleep over anymore. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want these advances or these situations that he put me in, and I didn't really understand what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing or why — and then to get that backlash.

So where there not any red flags? Surely someone had to wonder when L decided she no longer wanted to stay with her grandparents? Or the handful of shopping bags filled with toys and clothes? Or the holidays when everyone but L received a gift?“To my mom, it was a normal family dynamic. At first,” L began. “She thought we were just close. She said if she had known the signs, it would have been more obvious to her. But you don’t think it happens in your own family. And when I stopped wanting to see him, that’s when she said she had recognized those as red flags.”And those nights at her grandparents’ home? Did her grandma never notice him following her, making excuses to be alone with her?“I would hope that my grandma didn’t know it was happening, but at the same time, I feel like it would be really hard not to know. I don’t know if she was just turning a blind eye —”That’s when I interrupted her to ask if her grandma had been a victim herself. While L never had anyone confirm that she was sexually abused, L’s father said he knew that his father was unfaithful and physically abusive toward his wife. “Also, I wholeheartedly believe that my grandmother saw my grandpa through rose colored glasses,” L said, explaining her earlier quote. “I think she saw the good in him and deep down I don't believe — or at least would like to think — that she truly did not know about his behaviors as a sexual predator within his own family.”But what’s craziest (to me at least) is that despite this knowledge within L’s family, she was blamed for tearing her family apart once she built up the courage to speak out against her grandfather.“I felt like me coming forth was what ripped my family apart,” she explained. And another shocking part of L’s story is that before her grandfather could be tried in court, he committed suicide.

I felt like me coming forth was what ripped my family apart.

“My feelings [when I was a child], were ‘if I had just been quiet or had just left it alone, then maybe it would’ve stopped or maybe my family would be all together or everything would have ended up okay.’”Her grandmother and her great grandparents defended her grandfather. Her father’s sister would still bring her female cousins to see him. There was a great divide in her family. And those family members were pointing the finger at this little fifth grader. And while L did blame herself for years, she’ doesn’t hold any negativity toward her family members anymore. L had her second child last summer. Much to L’s mother’s dismay, her son is named after both of his great grandfathers. So yes, his middle name is the same as L’s grandfather.“The good parts of him were what made my dad. The good parts of him were what held my family together. Those are the parts I want to remember. I don't want to remember him for what he did. I don't want to remember him for the bad. He's gone but he was still a part of our family. And that's the healed part of me.”