Cutting Was How I Coped With My Trauma

This is a very hard subject for me to talk about. I have been suicidal for many years. I want to say about 12 years. I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. Sometimes I can control them other times I can’t. I have been cutting my thighs off and on throughout the years. It first starts off with anxiety and then it goes to depression. I have been going through depression for a very long time as well.

If I don't control my depression it will escalate to my suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I just straight out have suicidal thoughts. It all depends on the day. I haven't told my family what I go through. I tried telling my mom but she doesn't quite understand me. I want to tell my brothers and my dad but it's hard to even start the conversation with them. I don't exactly have a relationship with my family.

I have urges to cut all the time that will never go away. It will always be a part of me.

I think back and I wish I never even started to cut. I never cut in front of anyone. When I did cut my thighs, I make sure it was in private. I am writing this blog post to help anyone who may be going through a similar situation.

This is an addiction that will never go away. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I do have support groups on Facebook that I am in. Sometimes it helps, other times it’s triggering.

I no longer cut, but I still have urges. The last time I relapsed, I regretted it so much. I didn't know how to stop. I have learned how to control it, but, during my depression, I always want to cut. I am glad I get past it and I don't go near any knives during that time.

I know during my depression, if I move where I'm sitting, I get up grab a knife and I cut. The other day I had really bad urges. I was crying and my boyfriend was talking to me on the phone. I stayed sitting on the sofa talking to him. I eventually calmed down.

There's also a suicidal hotline that I can call. I called once. They are very helpful. I know if my boyfriend isn't around to call, I call the hotline if it gets really bad.

I bought myself a self-love ring as a reminder to never cut again and as a reminder to always take care of myself first, to love myself, respect myself, and have confidence and self-esteem. It is a reminder that no matter what I go through in life to always put myself first.

I also started going to a non-denominational Christian Church to help lead me back to my faith. I am loving this church so far. I am looking forward to where this Journey leads me.

I will be also getting a tattoo in the near future as a reminder never to cut again. I hope writing this will help someone. Remember you are not alone and if anyone needs to talk about suicidal thoughts and urges, I can help you get through it.

This storm makes it feel like you’re drowning but it won’t rain forever. You eventually will enter the brightness. This is just one moment; things will get better.

I have depression and anxiety. I was emotionally and physically abused; I was raped when I was 17. I lost a lot of family members who died, and I also lost a lot of friendships in my life. I haven't seen any of my friends in about five years. Cutting was my way of dealing with it.

I did not cut for attention either—that is not something you just play around with.

I blamed myself a lot, and I thought the day I was raped that he should’ve killed me so I wouldn't be suffering like this. That’s not the answer though. Everything that I been through is what makes me stronger.

I have to keep fighting not only for myself but also for my son Josiah. He keeps me going everyday. I would not be here if it wasn't for him. I love my son so much and my boyfriend who has stood by my side during my darkest days.

I am grateful to be alive today and I am here to help others . It is my destiny. I will help anyone that I can . This is a healing process. It will take time but I will get where I need to be.