Forgiveness

March 25th would have been my one year wedding anniversary with Christopher. I expected to spend the day in tears and angry, instead, I let go; I let go of all the hurt and anger in my heart. And, for the first time, I let myself forgive, forgive him and, more importantly, forgive myself.

This is the letter I wrote to myself that morning.

I forgive myself for loving someone who isn't capable of loving.

I forgive myself for ignoring the red flags and my gut feelings.

I forgive myself for thinking that I could change him or make him love me.

I forgive myself for changing who I was too fit his mold of what he wanted.

I forgive myself for losing friendships and family during the relationship, I know that with time I will put the work into regaining those relationships.

I forgive myself for not reporting the abuse or leaving sooner.

I forgive myself for returning to the relationship time and time again, I know that I am stronger now and will never let myself be treated like that again.

I forgive him for the hurt that he caused.

I forgive him for the lies and broken trust.

I forgive him for not being the person I wanted him to be.

I even thank him, because of him I am stronger, kinder, and I am doing just fine.

It breaks my heart to know that he will never be able to find peace or happiness in this world, it breaks my heart that he is still unhappy.

There are things left unsaid between us. When I first left, every morning I would wake up choking on those words. Now I wake up with a calm breathe knowing that I never have to waste those words on him again.

I deserve love, I am capable of loving and that is a wonderful thing.