The Journey

How does the healing begin?

Whether you’ve experienced domestic abuse, dating violence, or sexual assault, a survivor eventually reaches the day when healing starts. Healing, at least for me, began before I realized it was happening. But the fact that it happened at all gives me hope for others.As a child victim, I walked around in a constant state of fear. After I left my father’s home, the healing began. I think back to signs that I was experiencing healing, even if I didn’t recognize that it was happening at the time. I remember the day I admitted to myself I had been victimized. I also remember the day I knew I would never raise a hand to my own child in anger. Or perhaps I felt healing when I looked at my face in the mirror and knew that I was ending the cycle of abuse by leaving my first husband. Those moments have all tumbled into one miraculous day. About five years ago, I was talking with a young woman. She revealed to me that she had been raped by an acquaintance. She had never revealed that to anyone else. She told me that I had kindness in my eyes and that she knew she could trust me. I will always remember her saying that she knew I understood the shame and the anger she carried. She didn’t know my circumstances, but she recognized another soul who had suffered.

Or perhaps I felt healing when I looked at my face in the mirror and knew that I was ending the cycle of abuse by leaving my first husband.

From that day on, I knew that I will forever carry my abuse with me. Like it or not, my abuse had made me the person I am today. Kinder, gentler, more compassionate. It also made me stronger, more resilient, and insightful. And sometimes, the abuse made me jaded and hard. But I have developed a sense about others. I can usually identify fellow survivors. We all carry a quiet hush about us. We rarely share our most private thoughts, and we reserve love for those who truly deserve our trust. We often masquerade as someone who laughs often, or seems very open with others. But we have learned to hide our emotions so that we avoid being vulnerable. However, many survivors, like me, will tear down those walls when we see a fellow survivor in need. That’s when I become the person who has learned and healed.

From that day on, I knew that I will forever carry my abuse with me. Like it or not, my abuse had made me the person I am today. Kinder, gentler, more compassionate. It also made me stronger, more resilient, and insightful. And sometimes, the abuse made me jaded and hard

I’d like to think that my smile or shared moment with someone else can convey optimism and the belief that healing is possible. And maybe it does. If nothing else, I know that my own past has allowed me to find a road to my own healing. I am a tireless advocate for children and animals, as my own abuser had no compassion for either me or some of my beloved pets. I search for the best in others, but I admit that when someone has shown me they do not possess redeemable qualities, I will shut them out quickly and completely. I just don’t have time for abusers any longer. Everyone heals differently, just as everyone grieves in their own way. Healing can happen quickly, or may take years. For some, healing is complicated by mental illness or substance abuse. One thing I realized is that eventually, everyone has to face their abuse and come out on the other side. No amount of ignoring it or drowning it with self-medication will make it go away. Maybe you will heal by teaching others. Or maybe you will find solace in nature, or in animal rescue. Or maybe you will find a wonderful counselor or friend. Or maybe, just maybe, you will give to others what you never received yourself. Giving love to others filled the hole left in my soul.

Giving love to others filled the hole left in my soul.

Be kind to yourself. Understand that your journey is yours alone. No one can take it for you. But remember that so many have gone before you and been able to move beyond the hurt and come out happier in the end. Just be patient and know that there are others like you. Waiting for you with a smile.