The Funeral

Moscow mules. Gluhwein. Holiday dresses. Hallmark movies.

For most people, these are traditions they look forward to every year. For me and I am sure other readers out there - this a list of triggers. When you have/had an unhealthy person in your life, special occasions become instances you dread. Every significant moment that might center around you, your family, your friends, or your happiness, you anticipate that your abuser is waiting for his/her moment too. The holidays appear to be among their favorite memory-making selections. The haunting words from the song "The Funeral" by Band of Horses always echo in my head when I reflect on abusive dynamics and special events –– "At every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral."

I can still feel the churning in my stomach that morning. We had enjoyed a quiet night the prior evening, but as I drove to visit some friends for lunch, I couldn't shake the sense of foreboding in the gray skies looming above me. I realize now it was because I felt uneasy about the Christmas party we would be attending that evening.

I still remember the goosebumps prickling my arms, as I selected the more minimalist necklace because the more elaborate (and possibly attention-grabbing one) I had shown him –– in his words - "wasn't me."

I can still feel the numbness and heaviness in my limbs, as he marched me back to my apartment.

Christmas. New Year's Eve. My birthday. His best friend's wedding. Christmas again. New Year's Eve again. Special occasions –– or instances of "waiting for the funeral." Every one awakened a sense of dread. A sense difficult to shake –– that something will go wrong.

It is a struggle to rewire these associations. I once avoided everything associated with these days. I also tried immersing myself in trying "flooding" therapy.

You will get opinions on how you should or should not get over the triggers associated with anniversary events.

For me, recovery means you get to choose because for so long, choice over these days was taken away.

So for me –– Gluhwein, yes. Moscow mules, no. Several dresses, donated or thrown away. Hallmarks movies, added in this year.

So as you stare in your closet, deciding if you can make new memories with the items causing you anguish...

Remember, you get to choose.

-As_I_Sit_In_Silence

“Recovery means you get to choose because for so long, choice over these days was taken away.”