The Day: That Date on the Calendar that I'm Reclaiming as Mine

Many survivors will know exactly what I mean when I say that today was “the day.”

Today was the day that changed me, stripped me of the remnants of my childhood, and sent me into a course of self-destruction. Late this morning I reached back out to my support system in We Are HER, which has continued to be unwavering encouragement and empathy for me. In the very early hours of the morning, I was still awake. My mind was restless, turning over the memories in my head, burning their images in the back of my closed eyes. I tried to do something that usually brings me joy, scrolling through my Facebook memories about today. It made it worse. I scrolled back to 2011. I only had one status that day."She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't."The lyrics from Stupid Boy by Keith Urban seemed to cut into me. I started shaking, holding down the tears the best I could. I couldn’t. This year “the day” ate at me in a way it never had before. I realized this was the first year that someone other than Jared knew what happened to me. This was the first year I really accepted what happened. For so long I have repressed everything to do with my abuser and anything that could somehow make me think of what happened. I buried it so far within me because I was ashamed. I felt like it was my fault and I deserved it. I felt like I let myself be abused and physically hurt.Here I am seven years later to the exact day I took my last physical hit from my abuser. Seven years since I made the call that changed my life. Seven years since I decided to leave my abuser. It was not my fault. I did not deserve the abuse I was the victim to. I was scared, confused, and manipulated. I am none of those things today.

I buried it so far within me because I was ashamed. I felt like it was my fault and I deserved it. I felt like I let myself be abused and physically hurt.

I’ve been working steadily to provide the next chapter in my life after what happened in my first We Are HER post “I was 13…he tried to rape me”. After today, I feel like I am finally ready to talk about what happened next. I feel that I am now healing. I am slowly coming into a better mental health situation. Opening and actually talking about what happened, facing my demons, and allowing myself to feel emotions has allowed me to start putting everything behind me.I started “the day” in tears, feeling broken and wounded. With the final minutes of “the day” passing by, I feel a fire burning deep within me. This fire is not of hatred or anger, it’s a cleansing fire that drives me to keep talking about the abuse I was subjected to. I will no longer remain quiet. This morning I burned, and tonight I have risen from my ashes, stronger than before.

Opening and actually talking about what happened, facing my demons, and allowing myself to feel emotions has allowed me to start putting everything behind me.

“It took awhile for her to figure out she could run, and when she did she was long gone, long gone.”