Scrub

There is a layer of skin that I cannot seem to clean
I wish I could shed it
I scrub and scrub in the shower
Sometimes until the water turns red
I've scrubbed too hard
But I'm still not clean
I have tried so hard to rid myself of this layer
I have tried to cut it away
To scrub it away
I have tried from the inside out
Purge it away
Starve it away
Nothing works
There is no amount of scrubbing or burying that will take away the stains they left
Take away what happened
What they did
This layer of stains and dirt and pain
It belongs on them and not me
But it is
It is on me and I cannot scrub it away no matter how much I want to no matter how hard I try
I carry their stains
Deep inside I wonder, was it my fault?
If it was, are these stains truly mine?
Heavy
These feelings, these memories, these traumas, these stains
They weigh so heavy
I try to shed the weight
It doesn't work
Nothing works
I wonder, will I ever be free?
Why can't healing be as easy as using a tide stain stick?
Why does this have to feel so impossible?
I wonder and I scrub
I wonder as I scrub