My Parents Arguing Gave Me PTSD

A clear memory I have is of my parents arguing.

I'm at the staircase as a little girl. I think I was 3 years old at that point. I heard my daddy screaming at my mom. The tears were dripping down my face when my brother came to me. He was sad as well. We both knew what this wrangle meant. Often it ended in my daddy harming my mom, destroying our things, and emotionally abusing us. My brother tried to comfort me, but in my memory it was more like a scared support hug-thing-ish. We sat there for at least 30 minutes. Both terrified for how this situation would end. I felt unsafe every day, my whole life. I was afraid my mom would die, that our dad will end up having child custody of us. Often, we heard these fights even though my mom tried to hide it. Nowadays, I have severe PTSD and this memory still haunts me every day. When I’m in my room, while showering, doing the laundry etc. I still hear these fights. I hear the anger and really believe there are at least two people having an argument. First I thought I was just paranoid (because I’ve really been down there) but after opening up to my therapist, I had an insight. I always felt crazy and insane when I experienced these flashbacks. I cried and hated myself to the point I was sitting on the edge of my bed looking in the mirror. My eyes red because of all the crying and my head one big fuzzy mist. The only thing I could think and say was “stop it! It’s not real. Stop acting like this” I repeated it over and over. Sometimes I sat there for an hour. All the tension in my body, which I can’t release in any sort of way.  I think a similar situation made me end up starting to self-harm. Even though this is a whole different story it is related to my C-PTSD. When I told my therapist, I struggled with giving the feeling words. It sounds like nothing bad but physically my response is really intense. It’s a feeling I also have when I have other flashbacks. These I also labeled as my paranoia.  She made me realize these feelings, these sounds, and emotions are a result of my traumas. When I started this conversation I never thought it would be this hard. For me, it felt like an easy memory to go through during therapy. But I was wrong! It was hard to relive the trauma.