2 Years Ago; 1 Year Ago; Now

Just want to make a note this post talks about sexual assault, self harm, and other sensitive topics that might be triggering. If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual assault call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673. If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. 

August 2, 2016, that’ were it had all started.

I was 15 and had been talking to a guy from out-of-state. I had been talking to this guy for two years. I trusted him with everything. I mean I had no reason to not trust him. He had seen me at my lowest of the lows. He was there for me after Chris had passed away. He was there the nights I wanted to end my life, the nights I couldn’t sleep because I was crying too hard. He also was in the National Guard, so I never thought he’d hurt me as bad as he did. I guess I was wrong.So, on August 2, 2016, he asked me out, of course I said yes. I mean I had a crush on this guy for at least a year. This is where the worst relationship in my life started. I quickly learned he would be the guy who I feared the most. The guy who would become a thief. He taught me that I was nothing, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. He controlled my life. I was 15 and didn’t know anything about red flags when it came to relationships. So, we made our relationship “Facebook official.” So, within a week to two weeks is when the arguments started.

He taught me that I was nothing, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. He controlled my life.

Now, I brushed it off at first because I learned that every relationship had fights. I quickly realized that this isn’t what a relationship was supposed to be like. I tried leaving, but that didn’t work because he would guilt trip me, saying things like, “I’ll start drinking again if you leave.” “I’ll start cutting again,” “I won’t eat if you leave me,” and the biggest one was “If you love me you won’t leave.” He was an alcoholic, anorexic, and a cutter. I believed him when he said those things when I tried to leave. I was already stuck in this relationship. Things went downhill fast in that relationship. No one saw the real relationship, they saw the relationship that he wanted to see, the black and white instead of the full-colored. The true relationship was that he called me horrific names, picked arguments, and would yell at me over the phone if I said the wrong thing. He guilt-tripped me into staying anytime I tried to leave. I thought that this is how a relationship was supposed to be. In November of 2016, he flew out here, with my parents’ permission of course. The week and a half that he was up here quickly went downhill, but again I showed everyone the relationship they wanted to see. I had a family member who was the first to meet him other than my parents and grandparents. He tried to warn me that he didn’t trust him, I didn’t listen. This next thing I’m going to tell you is something that has affected me hugely. He verbally abused me and sexually assaulted me.

He called me horrific names, picked arguments, and would yell at me over the phone if I said the wrong thing. He guilt-tripped me into staying anytime I tried to leave.

One year ago, I was just opening up about what happened. I was scared. One year ago, I just started talking about it, I was just accepting the fact that it happened. I was just starting talk about it in therapy and talking about it with family. One year ago, I was just letting go and cutting all ties, with him. I felt empty, and I was lost. I felt like no guy would ever love me, I felt like damaged goods. In that relationship I had so much stolen from me. I felt guilty, like it was my fault. When it wasn’t. I felt disgusting; I hated my body. Most nights I wouldn’t sleep because I was scared. I thought he was going to come back even though I knew he wouldn’t dare come back up here after what he did to me. I was scared of being alone, because I didn’t trust myself. I was scared of being happy because I felt like I was leaving part of me behind. I could go on about how one year ago I was lost and all that, but you get the point. One year ago I had a family. I wasn’t listening to family members’ advice, and because of me not listening, they didn’t want to help, because whatever they said went in one ear out the other. This was one year ago.Now, where am I now? Now I am a junior in high school, and I’m alive, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I am a mental health and suicide awareness advocate. Now I still struggle but I know how to deal with it a lot better. I know when I need to take a break, I can tell when an episode is coming on. I’ve been told don’t dwell on the past, with PTSD that is a little harder. When I was talking to a friend who I met through a support group for PTSD, she told me that when you’re not struggling or triggered, you aren’t dwelling on it. You learn your triggers, so you can avoid them you cope with them better. It will never go away, for me there are always small reminders about what happened but I can cope with it better. I still get flashbacks. But when I say flashbacks for me it’s not just seeing part of what happened again, it’s the emotions, the feeling of his hands on me. I’ll remember it so vividly.

I am the girl who has the scars that tell a story and who isn’t afraid to use her voice.

To this day, there are still nights where I won’t be able to sleep. Some days are harder than others. I struggle more than others. Sometimes, I wish I could be a regular teen, to be carefree, but that isn’t who I am. I am the girl who is always cautious, who tries to avoid certain subjects. I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and who is sensitive. I am the girl who is unlike others, who struggles. But I am the girl who has survived up to this point in her life. Through the good and bad. Through the times she wanted to die. Through the times she was hurting herself. Through the days where she didn’t want to get out of bed. Through the days of feeling so empty, so numb. Through the times when the doctors said she should’ve been dead, but instead she survived. I am the girl who has the scars that tell a story and who isn’t afraid to use her voice. Although I still struggle a lot I am able to pick myself up and know when I need to take a break. This where I am now. This is the girl who I am. This is me, and I am Unsilenced.