My Brother Raped Me and I Was Convinced I Was Guilty of Incest

My brother was asked these same questions — questions about if anything had happened to him — and reminded me when he was home from college one weekend to keep our little secret.

He hadn’t told them either, and I needn’t imagine how furious they would be if they found out… I was conditioned to believe that these sexual acts were somehow consensual, and that I was the disturbed individual for allowing them to occur. Now old enough to understand cultural norms, I was convinced  I had committed incest, the taboo unacceptable across cultures since the birth of humankind. It did not cross my mind that when it started, I was too young to understand the anatomical function of vaginas besides to urinate, that I was too young to even know what a penis looked like, and that I was too young to know how babies were made except that it was “when a mommy and a daddy loved each other very, very much.” It did not occur to me that I hated every moment, and I was subconsciously trying to avoid it happening since it began; it only occurred to me these acts were considered repugnant and should never have happened.

Now old enough to understand cultural norms, I was convinced  I had committed incest, the taboo unacceptable across cultures since the birth of humankind.

I felt all my success was built on this lie of who I really was, and if the truth arose, everything I worked for would vanish. I should mention I was not popular in junior high, and barely managed to leave with my sanity. Surrounded by toxic friends in a small school, high school was a completely fresh start. I truly transformed from the timid, vulnerable, awkward pre-teen kid to the happy, confident girl ready to take on the world.

I felt all my success was built on this lie of who I really was, and if the truth arose, everything I worked for would vanish.

Yet, these weeks stripped away three years of progress as I regressed into my old, vulnerable self, threatened by the thought of these new relationships ending upon the discovery of my “truth.” As the days passed, I became more and more anxious as this secret engulfed me, and the lies ate away at me from the inside-out like acid. I was an imposter in my own shoes, my perfect life a lie. I could not enjoy the time spent with my friends, could not be in the moment with my boyfriend, and definitely could not concentrate on my mountain of responsibilities. Soon, I was just the shell of the girl I used to be: so fragile, one strong gust of wind would certainly disintegrate me into dust. Finally, discovering my cousin (let’s call him Max) had also blamed my brother for acts against him, which he then took out on his little brother (let’ call him O), I reached my tipping point. Questions raced through my head as I processed this information. Was keeping my secret denying their reputability? Max had given a wrong name before in attempting to hide my brother’s identity, how were the police to know this time he could very likely be telling the truth? Was I allowing the cycle to repeat? Was I responsible for my cousin O being defiled? He was only ten and was the most loving kid with such an innocent smile. I couldn’t help thinking of the last time  I saw him, so small, his laugh so pure and full of joy... I couldn’t bear imagining the same acts I endured occurring to my little cousin, darkening his innocence so young.

Was keeping my secret denying their reputability? Max had given a wrong name before in attempting to hide my brother’s identity, how were the police to know this time he could very likely be telling the truth? Was I allowing the cycle to repeat?

More news struck me once more as my parents learned my little sister was also involved, also ten, as my cousins were told now was their chance for honesty by the police. Trying to understand the extent of these encounters, when the police asked “which hole”  — such a blunt way to put it — my little cousin replied he did not know girls had two holes. The situation was literally snowballing out of control before my eyes and I was drowning in my pool of lies. Overwhelmed with guilt, I knew I had to confide in someone; otherwise, I would surely implode…-APODEROSA