The First Fight: Part 1

My current relationship with Troy is never hard work.

Never an uncomfortable amount of effort. Easy. We just fit. We are the same and the opposite in all the right places. We have a healthy dynamic. The entire first year was effortless. I was healing; I was feeling empowered. This relationship was my restorative one. This was what I needed to build to move on in my life.Sure, there were a few moments of irritability or frustration (I get hangry pretty easily,) but never a fight and never once did I doubt him or the relationship in any way. I truly fell in love.Over December break, about one month past our one-year mark — it was to be a defining moment. This would be the most consecutive time we would be staying together. We had all the holiday parties to attend, meeting extended family and tolerating the family drama; we were having an amazing time together. I needed some space one of the days to run errands and just be by myself for a bit and he respected that.I was so incredibly in love and incredibly happy.  

We had all the holiday parties to attend, meeting extended family and tolerating the family drama; we were having an amazing time together.

We planned individual tattoo appointments (we had both been planning on getting them for a long time), we both got some much-needed down time, and had even planned a two-day ski trip! We had traveled before, but it was still special to finally do something not in our normal routine together.We had an amazing first day skiing! We called it quits on the slopes early so we weren’t too sore to enjoy the next day. Not spending as much of the vacation budget on the tattoos, we had some left over “fun money.” We went to a local “famous” restaurant smack in the middle of this town, ordered a bottle of wine for the table, and laughed until we cried. But this was all too good to be true. Too perfect. Too story-book. The universe had other plans. Well, technically that’s not true. It was human error. Troy fucked up. That night I accidentally saw something I wish I hadn’t. I was not ‘snooping.’ It was a total anomaly that I came across what I did. I freaked the fuck out. Well, only in my head. I didn’t make a sound. I took a deep breath and let it absorb into my brain. I went back downstairs and crawled back into bed with Troy, but this time my new information was also in bed with us.We slept there and woke up the next morning, but didn’t actually get out of bed. It was too cold to enjoy skiing, so we opted not to go. I was still processing the new information. I convinced myself that I had seen something wrong. Maybe it was a different thing, maybe I just panicked, and my brain filled in the blanks. So, I went back to the place of discovery and verified my findings. Yup. It was what I thought it  was.FUCK. No. Not him, not Troy. This man would never betray my trust. We have the best, completely open and honest communication I could imagine.So, I made a plan. Well- I MADE UP a ‘plan.’I was going to attack this carefully and slowly. I wasn’t ready to come out and say what I saw and have a huge first disagreement miles and miles away from a ‘way out.’ Not that I was afraid of him or anything, this is just how my brain works. I have a contingency plan for my contingency plan most of the time.I had a nightmare that night, too. Anxiety induced, full on I-feel-like-my-life-is-in-danger type nightmare. My new medication makes dreams even more vivid sometimes.I woke up acting very weird. He knew. He knew something was wrong. I told him I had a bad dream, not a lie. He wasn’t buying it.

So, I let him know how much I valued honesty — his honesty and our honest relationship — and I reminded him I can handle any of his secrets, and that I loved him the most I have ever loved a partner.

So, I let him know how much I valued honesty — his honesty and our honest relationship — and I reminded him I can handle any of his secrets, and that I loved him the most I have ever loved a partner. Nothing led to any big conversations. My anxiety was getting worse and worse. I had been on a new medication for about three weeks at this point and he commented on how he wasn’t sure if my new meds were enough for me. This was not done in any passive aggressive or problematic way, he was truly concerned about my health.I did my best to act normal and compartmentalize. We spent another day or two on our trip and relaxed. Still, I had new information and wasn’t myself. But more on that next week.