Looking for the Lion

Am I just on high alert or have I finally torn off the blinders?

Does anyone else routinely ask themself this question, as they navigate through recovery?

I once thought I was an intuitive person. Then I encountered a situation where I tossed my instincts to the side. I remind myself to give myself some credit (and you, reader!) My body was not operating properly and still isn't completely - my brain and nervous system became rewired from trauma.

The bodily responses and behaviors I adopted may have been adaptive in that scenario, but may be no longer.

One of my therapists provided me with this analogy: 

When a group of zebras is attacked by a lion, their bodies jump into flight-or-fight mode. When the lion leaves, they relax, and their arousal systems return to normal.

Trauma turns you into a maladaptively-wired zebra. The lion leaves, but you remain on high alert.

So when my stomach churns thinking about a person, I feel uncertainty. Am I finally seeing warning signs and implementing healthy boundaries? Or am I overly on alert and distrusting?

The answer, I think, is both. 

My experience awakened me to how poorly I kept boundaries. I was always worried about what others thought of me, or losing people. 

But I know I am still surveying the savanna in earnest. I know that I need to work on trust and intimacy.

So maybe a healthy recovery means a compromise- sleeping with one eye open.

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