It is Safe to Cry

It is safe to cry 

It's okay to cry.

I held in a lot of my pain. After traumatic events in my life, my biggest fear is that if I cried about it, I would not stop. I was afraid that my emotions would take over me. I finally admitted it to my counselor. I was afraid if I cried I would go crazy. The more I held it in, the more it tried to come out. I see it a lot in different self help books that if you cry it is a great release. This sounds easy right? Not if you live in fear. 

After being attacked and going through different traumatic events, you try to control things. As well as being on guard and trying to keep everything together. Not to mention the subconscious factors in this for me. 

As a child the first funeral I went to I was young maybe around 7 or 8, I'm not sure. But a great uncle of mine that I was close to, died. I felt so scared as a child to see someone I loved in a casket. I remember feeling devastated and crying. A family member walked up to me and said, “what are you crying about?'' I said, “Well, I'm upset” and they said, “that is not how you're supposed to act.” 

This was not the first time I was told this. As I grew up things like this just stuck in my head. It became my new motto. I thought that strong people don't cry. Wow, I had that wrong. It took me all these years to really realize I was trying to be strong for so long. 

Strong people cry. Showing emotion and crying actually are a great release. When I finally started to cry about things, I felt a release. Not to mention talking more openly about how I feel. I think it was just a matter of starting to feel safe again. After a few times of really crying and letting it out, I realized my emotions were not going to take me over. Another part of this was getting somatic pains from past traumas. Sometimes when I cried I would get a horrible pain in my throat. This scared me as well. But the more I kept realizing I am safe and it will be okay, the easier this became.

KellyMaida