I'm Becoming HER

It was hard to write this, some of the memories still stung a bit, but worst of all was the fear of my mom reading this.

I fear that it will be just like when I left her that letter. That if she connects all the dots and realizes who this is, she will take it as a personal attack. I fear she will say that my friends put me up to it and fed me lies about her, even though these are conclusions and thoughts I made before I had met any of them. I still cannot believe that I am where I am today. After all I’ve been through, it’s amazing to think that I’m living with someone who loves me deeply and that I have friends who have been true for years. I have not failed, like my mom said I would. I have overcome and have made a decent start for myself in the world, with a good job and a place to call my own. I get to constantly look forward to traveling to visit dear friends, and have them come visit Sophie and me.

I still have rough days. Even though my depression is gone, the anxiety lingers and is able to rear its head at time for no reason.

There are times where I get overwhelmed with a looming fear that my friends will turn on me like people in the past did. During these times, Sophie is right by me to remind me of the truth behind their friendship. She is there to soothe me and take my mind away from the anxious claws inside of my chest. There is no one I would rather be with during those panic attacks; I know she will always be there for me and I for her. My mom and I are slowly recovering. She still struggles greatly with accepting that I am in love with a woman. To her, we are just two people who have an incredibly strong and special bond; she isn’t ready to fully broach into it being a romantic relationship yet. She still has days where she chooses not to talk to me much, because she doesn’t want to hurt me. It usually ends up coming out in the end though. She says talking to me makes it easier. We do not fight much at all anymore though, and she can still admit that she simply cannot dislike Sophie as a person. I do love her, and even though it’s hard, I have hope that someday we can heal more, just like my father and I did.