I Can’t Be In My Own Skin: Living with Dissociation After Trauma

 I can’t be in my own skin
I just can’t anymore
It’s not like I want to die
I just don’t want to live inside this body

Most of the time I’m so disassociated from my body that I can’t experience any pleasure from it. Moving my body is no fun at all; exercising can be really hard. I can’t laugh. Yeah, that’s right. Laughing hurts. Same goes for crying. Even talking can be painful.

When I start to feel my body there is immense pain. Cramps, body pain, pressure. There have been moments where I thought I was dying. Honestly, I thought my heart would just give in.

My skin can itch like crazy. But it feels like itching from the inside. Like my muscles are itching.

And there is the tension. Stiffness. Freezing. Like my body is stuck in a freeze response. Trying to fight off the feelings, flashbacks and thoughts. This is pretty much my normal state of being. And when I can feel it, I can even be happy, because then at least I don’t dissociate anymore.

My body has become my worst enemy over the years. And that is something I so desperately want to change. I want to feel it. I want to use it. I want to honor it. But when the things that saved your life in the past become your worst enemy in the present It’s hard not to hate those things. I can hate all the parts of my body that hurt. But I know that they are not the one that hurt me.