Defeated

I am defeated

So here I am, I just found out my sister is back with her boyfriend. The boyfriend who hits her and abuses her in any kind of way.

But you know the worst part? They have a daughter.

I see myself in that little girl, I don't want her to go through the things I went through. Even though her father might not abuse her, he would definitely damage her and hurt her mentally.

I told my sister what happened to me, what it meant for me. The way I wished my mom stopped the relationship sooner. I told her I ended up self-harming. Even after the death of my father I was affected by every single thing he did to me.

Now that little girl will go through the same things even though she doesn’t have to because my sister was almost free. She almost made it. But she chooses to turn around and run back into his arms.

She chose him above us but more importantly, above her child.

I'm not defeated because of my own demons. I am defeated because I couldn't save a life. For a moment it felt like I could stand up and do the things I needed someone to do when I was younger.

I often ask myself “if all my trauma's happened at this age, how would I have dealt with it?”

I saw this as an opportunity to protect my younger self. Show my dead father I'm not afraid of life because of what he did. I became more courageous.

I will never have the chance to confront my father as a grown-up woman but it felt like I could protect the baby girl and stand in front of her as if it was me being a two year old with an asshole father.

But I am defeated by my sister. She chooses to listen to the addicted part of her, addicted to pain and disgrace.

I can't save her child

I can't save my younger self

I have to resign myself, I can't change the past nor someone else's future.

Written by Namastéallday