An Unsent Letter to My Abuser

After years and years of blaming myself, I've come to the realization that it isn't me. You lead my life to this downward spiral. It's you who invades my mind when good things happen, leaving me sad and confused. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I can't even walk in public or at night alone without fearing it will happen again. You have scarred me so much that I can't even be touched without thinking it's you: no matter if its a boyfriend, a friend, a loved one, or just a meaningless hookup. You have left me with terrifying memories I can't even escape in my sleep. I always feel restless because it doesn't escape my mind. I don't eat because of you. Thoughts of it ruin my appetite, I get so nervous that I feel nauseous. You make it so difficult to trust others. We were so close and yet you took advantage of that, so I push others away because I fear that if they get too close, they will hurt me like you did. You made a mistake, not me. And now we both have to live with it. You hurt me. For so many years you left me confused. Sad. Angry. You left a hole the size of your tongue and fingers inside me.

It's always on my mind. It doesn't go away. You can't undo your actions. You can't take away the pain, hurt, or misery. I break down every time I hear your name. Every time I hear other cases, I go into a panic. I don't care if you were "young and stupid." You knew it was wrong. Yet you did anyway. Why? I don't think I'll ever get a real answer from you, and that alone is unsettling. And stop asking for forgiveness, you're not going to get it anytime soon; if ever. You broke my trust, shattered my confidence, and shook up my world. YOU violated me and left me traumatized. Sad. Anxious. Confused. Suicidal. Terrified. Helpless. Harming myself for years to a point where I don't feel safe anymore. I hate that you violated me for your own twisted personal pleasure. I wake up every day reminded of what sin you did to me. I can't even take a shower or get changed without fearing that you will be here to assault me again. I feel like you are always watching me. YOU are the monster under my bed, craving my toddler body to play with while I lay in my own basement; helpless.

I feel unsafe and uneasy. You didn't have the right to do this. You took away my sense of family. I value my paternal side so much, and you tore the pre-existing unity the second you laid a sinful finger on my bare skin. I fear that you are at family events. I stay home because I never want to see the face of my molester again. I never want to feel your presence. Hell, if I could, I wish you would just go away. We will NEVER feel like a complete family again because you drove us all apart. We are ripped apart at the seams, but now I'm far too fragile to be sewn together again. And you can take credit for all of that, congratulations. You tore us to shreds when you carried out that malicious act. And you can't fix that anymore. You can't fix this broken family anymore because you can't undo your actions.

And the saddest thing is, you took away all my self-confidence, or what little was there to begin with. You took away what made me myself. You mistook my openness for weakness. I used to be so outgoing, fearless. I would talk up a storm; I would always be giggling. I've spent so many years second guessing myself. Asking myself if it even happened, if I was imagining it. I hoped, prayed it wasn't true. But it did. The damage is done and it's irreversible. This isn't as simple as losing your parents’ credit card, or crashing their car into a tree, or losing a friend’s belonging. This is a serious crime that leaves another person severely impacted. Do you understand how emotionally distraught victims are left? All because of your selfish, careless, sick and twisted behavior. Because you couldn't keep your disgusting hands to yourself.

The aftermath is taking a toll on me. And it's taking a long time to heal. Over ten years later and I'm still not recovered. Because I never will. The imprint you've left on me can never go away. I shouldn't have to be going through this. You made a horrible, disgusting, malicious, immoral and sinful decision. And I was innocent. All for your own selfish personal pleasure. This is my body, not yours. You can not do what you want with it. But it doesn't even feel like mine anymore. Because you violated me. You hurt me. You have left me confused, anxious, and exhausted. You have caused me great pain. I don't care if God has forgiven you. It doesn't matter. Because I don't. You have caused too many issues and I can't deal with it anymore. You are a predator, an assaulter, a monster to me. You have committed an act of evil. And unfortunately, I have to live with that. How depressing is that?