Advice to My Daughters
As a survivor of domestic violence who hasbeen through both physical and emotional abuse, I would never want anyone to gothrough what I experienced. If I can help in any way, I would like to try.
Today I was sending my daughters a message and it inspired me to write this. I told them the most dangerous position in life to be in is a situation where you don’t love yourself. People will try to use and abuse you. They will try to get you drunk to take advantage of you. They will try to pressure you to do drugs. If you feel unsafe, even for a moment, just leave. You do not owe anyone anything. Think of yourself first. Don’t worry about if you won’t look cool. I used to have so-called friends tell me all the time, ‘why are you not drinking? You look so weird without a glass of alcohol in your hand.’ Those are not friends. They are people who do not have your best interests at heart. You know what is cool? Standing up for yourself. Feeling good about yourself and the people around you. If you are doing things that you do not want to do to make others happy, then you are not living life to your full potential. In fact, that is not living. It is being fake. It is being fake to others and yourself.
At one point, I felt like my life was aCourtney Love song—I fake it so real I am beyond fake. I felt a part of meslowly die when I used to listen to others and take their advice to heart. Ilost myself and became susceptible to narcissists and the wolves in sheep’sclothing. Men would tell me I was crazy when I used my intuition and the truthwas that I was right every single time. When I started to listen to myself, Ihad the answers in me all along.
Sometimes we think we care about someone orcan’t be without someone. That’s called being co-dependent. All toxicrelationships go through this. It is really a form of control and manipulation.I know this because the toxic men I dated in the past had to know where I wasall the time. I was so used to a man being with me all the time, I forgot allthe things that I enjoyed. One relationship I was in, I was not even allowed tohang out with friends; he had to come along. That ended quickly because thereal you can only be silent for so long. I was screaming on the inside to breakfree from the toxic chains that bound me.
I did not care anymore of how I looked or how I came across to people or what they thought. It was too hard to please everyone. Some people will never be happy with anything you do. Remember that it is their problem, not yours. I had to really let that sink in. People who find fault with you really are the ones with the problem. It is not you, so stop taking ownership of everyone else’s problems.
We can’t save everyone; we can only saveourselves. And people have to want help. You can’t force change on anyone. Butyou have every right in the world to leave a situation that you do not feelsafe in. And if you with someone and they have a lot of qualities that you wantthem to change, just leave and save yourself the headache of not being happy.Life is to short; stand up for yourselves. Life is a gamble. It is like playingcards. Know the cards you have been dealt and know when to walk away and knowwhen to run.