I'm Re-finding My Passions

A very long time ago, Ilost all of my interests due to my depression and trauma. I did have some hobbiesbut they didn't hold, because I didn't have any space in my head left to fillwith fun things. I was surviving...

It’s kind of normal to loseyour passions during traumatic events.

I often ask myself, where did things go wrong? As a child (0-5) I was very brave. I didn't have any fear and wasn't impressed by my father’s behavior. At least I acted like that. I told my brother (my dad was sitting with us at the table during the conversation) that I loved my mom the most, then my brother, then my dog, and then it was hard to choose between the pet chicken we had and my father.... at that point, I really didn't care!

Now I know my mom had to pay the bill for that because my dad wanted to punish me, but my mom told him not to, so she got the punches I should have had.

I didn't care about the consequences. I did my own thing. I was pure even though some things had consequences. But somewhere in this story, I realized how I was supposed to act. I was self-aware and became quiet, scared. I didn't say much. I was scared of my father. I didn't talk to unfamiliar people. But why? Where did it go wrong? Why did I lose this bravery and pureness? The point is, I just don't know.

But this behavior wenton until four years ago. It must have been until my 18thbirthday.At school I was quiet, sad, stressed, scared, depressed, and helpless. I didn'tspeak to teachers. I couldn't find my voice.

I couldn't speak. My mom wrote a note of important things, and sometimes I didn't even take the note. I just wanted to be invisible. I made sure I had good grades, paid attention in class. One time we had a list of names hanging in our class for some kind of activity and one kid asked, “who is [Namasté allday] ?” I already was with him in class for nine months...

Four years ago, I decided I had to change things. I had to feel better. I had to learn to love myself again. I started my creative therapy. Most people think it's just a little bit of crafting and drawing but believe me, it's hard work.

After four years ofhard work (and still working on it), I'm in a much better place! I dare tospeak up more. I like myself more, I accept myself, I'm not really depressed(just a little bit now and then). I'm becoming the person I want to be.

And the best part is,I'm feeling these differences. I'm not afraid to have passion anymore. Now I'mlearning to have a “normal” life. With fun things too—hobbies, friends, trips. I'mgoing out with my friends dinning. I'm planning days with friends just to hangout.I'm learning Spanish just for fun and sign-language as well. I'm not scared toplan things because I'm learning to have fun.

I'm re-finding mypassions and it's great! And really, I'm not done recovering, absolutely not!But I know where I'm heading to. I can slowly see how life should be, even ifit's with traumas—I can be happy and passionate.

Written by Namastéallday