A Letter to the Man I’ll Fall For

I’m terrible in big groups.

I have triggers that set me off into bursts of anxiety. I’m always hyper-aware when I’m in public. I struggle with depression and PTSD. I don’t want to let the things Christopher did to me affect our relationship, but the truth is, they will. I’m sure the first time I sleep over, I’ll have a nightmare. If we go out for a drink and I see someone who looks like him, I’ll immediately shut down. If I pull my hand away when you reach out, it’s not your fault. He probably just popped in my head. Getting out of an abusive relationship isn’t like leaving a normal one. I have shirts and jewelry from boyfriends past and when I wear those items, I don’t think of those guys. But if I have something from Christopher, I can’t get him out of my mind. All of the memories of him flood over me. I can’t help but wonder what he was thinking when he bought that for me. Did we have a fight? Did he just cheat on me? What was the meaning behind that gift? Unlike other guys, things with Christopher seem to have a hidden meaning. Please don’t get upset if I bring him up.

But what I need you to understand is that I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to be my “hero.” I just need you to listen and to understand, because I promise if you do those two things for me, I’ll love you unconditionally.

I might tell you all the stories I have written out on this site. When I really start to like you, I’ll tell you what was too painful to write. You’ll see the little scars on my back and wonder to yourself if they’re from Christopher or some fall I took on my own. You might wonder if I’m upset because of something you did or something he did.But what I need you to understand is that I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to be my “hero.” I just need you to listen and to understand, because I promise if you do those two things for me, I’ll love you unconditionally.But when I decide to fall for you, just know that I don’t need you in my life. I’ve done well for myself since I’ve left Christopher, even though he told me I would never make it without him. I can make it without you, too. But when I decide I want you, I promise that if you’re going to make every effort to make this work, so will I. It won’t be easy at first. The first time I have a trigger in front of you, I won’t tell you. I probably won’t say anything the second or third time either. I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. You’ll eventually learn what they are: white cars, certain songs, certain places. Though it’s hard to remember what they are until they’re right there in front of me, a hug is the best thing you can do to help.You’ll also learn what makes me happy, and, in turn, I’ll love your quirks. We’ll both never take for granted the little moments in life. The moments we will ever only share with one another.Love is a beautiful thing. After Christopher, I wanted to believe in love again. I don’t still — at least not enough. But, I promise you, if you’re the guy I fall for, you’ll be the one who has restored that belief in me.