Why I Can't Let Go of My Self-Control

My best friend, in past, present day, and future.

I want to have control. In any theme in my life: emotional, physical, mental, etc.

I want to have control over my thoughts. They have to be positive. No thinking about the past, but no punishment when it accidentally happens.

I want to have control over my environment: no changes, everything the same, neat and tight, satisfying, perfect. Only with this condition, I'm able to dance through life.

I must have control over my emotions: no control means bad choices, the choices I already made a thousand times, the choices I choose to not make anymore.

Emotions are allowed to be there. They need kindness.

But don't stay with them too long, I know they need some space. So every now and then, I choose to give them space, nice and slow. Like how you open a just-fallen sparkling soda bottle. Slowly, quietly, concentrated. That's how you should do that.

Control over my body is something I don't have. At least that's how I feel about it. How hard I try doesn't matter, I will never ever get the control I want so badly.

Even though I won't let my focus drop because then I'll lose everything. Every inch of control I did have will be gone. And all that's left is a dark, deep, uneasy gap of nothing.

So here I am. I want control over everything and anything. But sometimes it's not my place to have control, and the only control that's left is control over myself. Control of everything that's in my head and body. That's all that's left.

The past guides me, and tells me what I don't want. My fears show me all the bumps in the road. My grief occupies me every now and then. And all the pain connects me to everything uncontrollable.

I'm allowed to let go, but it's hard. I'm scared of the gap I talked about earlier. The gap that is built out of nothing, leaving me in nothing. The only thing left to control is the corner I'm gonna sit in, with my back against the wall and my face looking into nothing. Hoping something will appear, maybe, ever.

That's why I want control, but complete control is impossible. Maybe I'll have to discover the nothing, looking for monsters. Tame these monsters and let go of my fears. Trying to build something beautiful in this nothing. There's lots of time, the nothing won't go anywhere after all.