Too Good to Be True

I thought I loved you, but I don’t like you.

You crushed my spirit. You invaded my every thought. You isolated me from my family. You destroyed my confidence. Yet I stayed. Because I loved the thought of you. You came on so strong in the beginning. You made me believe ours was a fairytale romance. I was your princess. You swept in with your expensive car, stylish clothes, and charm and convinced me that you had come to take my cares away. I had just come out of a horrible divorce and was searching for an escape.We dated for three weeks when you proposed. And once I was in your house, you began taking my money — telling me you needed my paycheck to pay the bills — even though you earned four times the amount I did. I had to account for every cent I spent. I wasn’t allowed to have a checkbook or even my own account. I had no credit card, and you only gave me cash to the penny when I needed it. You ridiculed me in front of our children. You criticized me when the house wasn’t as clean as you expected. Thank God I never married you. Then, of course, there was the cheating. I remember smelling her on your clothes as I washed your things. I knew better than to question you. I also remember the times you were hours late from work and refused to answer the phone. The constant accusations that I was the one cheating really beat me down. I felt that I walked on jagged spikes all the time, trying to avoid your moods. You kept me uncertain of everything. I changed so drastically. I went from being a fun loving woman to being mouse-like and timid. I lost weight. The constant fear of you not finding me attractive had me starving myself. But then when I tried to run to lose more weight, you accused me of trying to get men to look at me in shorts.

The constant accusations that I was the one cheating really beat me down. I felt that I walked on jagged spikes all the time, trying to avoid your moods.

You tricked me. You once travelled for work, but returned two days early, because you thought you’d catch me with someone else. When you didn’t, you were angry. You were so sure I would cheat the way you did. I think it pissed you off that I was a better person than you. You often called me fat when you were angry. You knew that would cut me to the core since I’ve always battled my weight.  You also threatened to kick my ass. Although you never hit me, you threatened to do so more times than I care to remember. I knew it wouldn’t be long before your violence escalated.I remember you telling me that the main reason you were attracted to me was because I reminded you of the cheerleaders in high school who ignored you. And now that you were successful, you loved showing me off to your friends. You had to prove that you, in the end, got the last laugh AND the cheerleader. You had been a “dork” in school, as you put it. You were teased and bullied. Years of this had turned you into someone who now bullied others.I remember the last night we were together. You became angry at me. I don’t even remember why. You told me I had to leave. You only allowed me to take my purse and a grocery bag of personal items. You gave me no money. I had two dollars in quarters to my name, which I had stolen from your change bank, and a quarter tank of gas. I realized that I had no place to go, for you had isolated me. I ended up staying with one of my coworkers and I never went back to you. We talked about reconciling, or you talked about reconciling. But I was done with you.When I came back months later to get my things from your house, you made sure that a large box of condoms was on the nightstand so that I would know you weren’t lonely. I remember laughing. You are pathetic. You are still the little boy who lived in the past. Impotent, socially awkward, and inept. And I’ll always be the one who walked away.I know you married the first woman you dated after me. You even have a child with her. But I wonder if you did the same things to her that you did to me. Is she afraid of you?  Do you ridicule her? Is she allowed to see her family? Are you condescending with her? Do you cheat on her? I hope you treat her better than you did me.But if you don’t, I hope she has the courage to leave you. She deserves better. And I hope she realizes you seem too good to be true.  And I hope she survives long enough to realize that you aren’t what you seem.