The Side of Suicide No One Talks About

The biggest question I get asked from new survivors is “how does the healing process work?”

I have no real answer for them as I’m only trying to figure it out on my own, but I do know that the more we talk about the reality of how healing works — how there’s no right or wrong way to heal — the easier it will be for others to define it for themselves.

The first time I truly thought I was “healed” was when I launched We Are HER. I had a site of like-minded people to turn to for support anytime I needed it. I had started volunteering my time at a local women’s shelter — which was when I had finally admitted to myself that I had been in an extremely dangerous relationship — and I was being picky about who I spent my time with (no room for negative people in my life).

But before I reached that point in my life, I was in a really dark place. I hid it from my friends and family, but suicidal thoughts were normal for me. I forgot just how dark the summer of 2016 was for me until I found an old journal tucked away in a bag at my current boyfriend's house. I started flipping through it and wanted to cry for myself and just how dark my world once was.

I want to share parts of my journal entry with you, because when people talk to me about healing, they want to speak to me about their dark thoughts. They want to know they aren't alone in thinking these things. So here's where I was just two months after I ended my relationship with an abusive person.

"June 2016Sometimes I just feel like dying, you know? After all that's happened, what's the point? What is life anyway? We put so much stock into its worth, yet none of us actually know if it matters or not. Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'll make any sort of meaningful contribution to the world and in the grand scheme of things, the world isn't that big of a deal. What if Christopher had killed me? Would I be better off? Certainly feels like I would be... I feel drained everyday just from living. It's getting exhausting and I can't find a good reason to stay."

Since then, I realized my life has changed, and I’ve said this before in other posts, but I will never be the same person I was before I had Christopher in my life. I am different now, and coming to terms with that has been the hardest part of ending my abusive relationship. There are days when I'm still not comfortable in my own body. I feel foreign in my own skin. But I do know one thing: life has value. Even if I don't see it sometimes, the lives I've been able to touch though We Are HER has made my journey here on Earth completely worthwhile. Relationships are the one thing humans get to experience unlike any other species on this planet, and yes, some are complete shit. But most relationships are enough to turn your life around — like the relationships I have with my best friends, the people I've met because I am a survivor, or with family. I cherish those people, and I'm grateful to be here today sharing my story so hopefully my voice can influence someone like the many voices who continue to convince me that life is really beautiful.

So if you need this number, don't be afraid to reach out. You are not alone. Suicide hotline: 1.800.273.8255.