Time to Normalize; No, It’s My Time to THRIVE

Austin and I had begun negotiating a Dominant/submissive contract.

Hours of phone conventions and research looking for and discussing what was going to work for him and me and what was not. He was going on another deployment so he asked me to begin the “first draft.” I really wanted him to be the one to start the contract then I would negotiate and things would change accordingly. Partially because I wanted most of it to be his words and partially because I felt he would never “hear” what I was trying to say and partially because I felt the contract was from him to me — the Dominant is supposed to be the one “owning” slash “being responsible for” the submissive. So, I wasn’t exactly thrilled he was putting this on me but I started drafting anyway. When I started the contract, I wanted to put a monogamy clause in it. I wanted him and I to be monogamous at the start of our contracted D/s relationship. He wasn’t being respectful of my feelings around polyamory thus far so if I was going to put myself in a position of complete vulnerability, I wanted him to respect my feelings around poly; I wanted him and I to focus on D/s prior to entering a solidified “romantic” relationship. I know for some, this sounds backwards but this is what I wanted, and he was so anti-relationship, I figured this was a good compromise. He was going to be free to hang-out with and flirt with anyone but I wanted sex to be with me, and I wanted every partner and person he was dating to know about me. Thus far, he had also been incapable of understanding the difference between D/s play (also called “scenes”) and sex; he assumed they were the same thing despite my countless explanations and resources provided. So, my point is this: monogamy. I understood I was asking a lot since he had just done whatever he wanted thus far but I was FIRM on this. I wrote up a rough draft and emailed it to him. He read through it. Well maybe, but I don’t think he actually read the whole thing and I will tell you why I think that. He responded back by keeping what I wrote but added more to it. As I read though the additions, I realized he had written a clause where I was specifically allowed to date other people, only allowed to have sex with them with his prior approval, and that I was not allowed to bring anyone “home” to his apartment. That all seemed fair enough but he COMPLETELY ignored the entire section I wrote about monogamy! I had even included that it was temporary — further negations could allow the relationship to be “open” at a later time. I specifically had told him my end goal was open/poly but I need monogamy at first with all the other HUGE changes I would be going through. Remember I was moving ACROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY — new school, new city, job hunting, unemployment, new living arrangement, etc… It was going to be a lot for me and I just needed ONE thing that I could fall back on and not have additional stress from. He had obviously completely ignored this conversation. He really was a dick to me and I don’t know why I stayed so incredibly in love with him… but I did. I just loved him through all of it. I am loyal. Its one of the many traits/qualities that makes me a submissive. The issue here is that I didn’t truly understand just how much he was ignoring me. I brought up my concern. It seemed we had agreed that at first we were going to be monogamous. He would not be intimate with anyone and neither would I. Later on, we would discuss reopening the relationship to be poly.

He really was a dick to me and I don’t know why I stayed so incredibly in love with him… but I did. I just loved him through all of it. I am loyal. Its one of the many qualities that makes me a submissive.

Fast forward through the weeks of preparation for my move, the organizing, downsizing, packing, etc… my dad was helping me with all of this and he was going to road trip with me so that I would have company along the three-day drive. I was excited for all of this. The first few nights at his apartment was just me and my dad unpacking all my things. The extra bedroom was going to be “my” room. Austin and I had planned it this way on purpose, this way everything would be done when he came home exhausted from deployment. I had asked him a few questions. One in particular stands out. I had purchased a chalkboard calendar so he and I could put important dates up and know where we were going to be on a given day. I asked him if I could put up a calendar in the hallway (it was still “his” apartment after all, I was respectful of that). His exact words: “Knock yourself out.” So I put up the calendar and filled out the dates I knew he was going to be gone. This also ended up being part of the huge fight between him and I when he got back. It was “his apartment” and “normal couples” start with leaving a toothbrush, then they have a drawer of stuff, then they move in… Well, guess what?! We were never normal. I was MOVING across the fucking country. I had a car load of my minimum living things! But whatever, get mad about a stupid calendar!

This brings us to the breakdown of my last two days with him…

I picked him up from the airport. He had to get Erin’s mail because she had been out of town. We went to her apartment. He had decided it was going to be a good idea for us to have sex in her apartment. I was more than happy to have sex with him just about anywhere. I remember that he was sort of acting strange, not like he usually was with me. I am not sure how it was different — it just was. I didn’t feel as comfortable around him for some reason. It was just off-feeling. So we got back to his apartment, my dad was still staying one more night. We got back to his apartment; he was unpacking and had visited somewhere that had a gift shop with Top Gun things. He was going on and on about these shirts he had gotten. Top Gun was one of his favorite movies — he had introduced Erin to this movie. He got the shirts out and explained one was for him and one was for…..wait for it…. have you guessed yet? It was for him and Erin. MATCHING FUCKING SHIRTS. Apparently, they were for when they went mountain biking together... sigh…yea, I know I’m just as confused as to why this needed to be boasted about in front of me and my father…. We found a place to go get dinner, went to dinner, talked, ate some really amazing food, all the normal things… Then we decided to go to a bookstore. He and I went to the graphic novel/comic section and my dad went to a separate section. This is where Austin confirmed with me my plans for Friday (it was either Monday or Tuesday currently). I was joining a sports league that was local to the area, and I was so excited about it! He said while I was doing that he also had plans. I asked what he was up to… his response. “I have a date with this girl from *insert random dating app here.* I physically reacted when he said this. I told him I was confused and I got quiet after that. He then told me it was “just a meet-up, just a date.” I said “yes, but you met her on a dating app… what did she think it was? Does she know you and I are being monogamous?” He then got mad at me for being confused and upset by this. I told him I wasn’t ready for this yet. I wanted time with him myself before we branched out. Once again, proof that everything I was saying to him was being ignored and/or brushed off. I was uncomfortable the rest of the night and asked to talk about it later. He and I went to bed together that night and talked for a while, cuddled, and slept.

I gave my dad a hug and just started sobbing. I think I knew. I think he knew. This was a terrible idea and I felt like I was being left behind, like I was supposed to be leaving with my dad. I just wanted to buy a ticket and go back home. But I couldn’t, I wanted to give it more time.

The next day was weird. He got up for work, I believe he kissed my forehead before he left or at least touched me in some way and said goodbye/have a good day/etc… like he always had when we were visiting together. I got up, my dad and I had breakfast. I am near positive my dad could tell I was stressed out and feeling uncomfortable. I drove him to the airport and he reassured me I could always come back home. I told him Austin was acting weird and I didn’t understand why. I gave him a hug and just started sobbing. I think I knew. I think he knew. This was a terrible idea and I felt like I was being left behind, like I was supposed to be leaving with my dad. I just wanted to buy a ticket and go back home. But I couldn’t, I wanted to give it more time. Plus my stuff, my car, everything was still here. I wasn’t going to give up after one weird day. I can endure just about anything. I told myself I am a strong person and I can manage to anchor out though this storm. It would blow over and everything would be fine again.