An Open Letter for Our First Wedding Anniversary

Everything seems to be in place, my heart is so full that I can barely breathe.

That's how you made me feel during our Wedding Day. It was more than just butterflies, more than just a couple of months of happiness, of being overjoyed and full of bliss.You gave me high.You were more than my best friend.You were my entire world.And those should have been enough.I naively thought you were different.Maybe it was your charm, or maybe it was your eyes when you smile, but I had convinced myself you were completely different from the rest of the douchelords I've met. But obviously, I was wrong. I was so blinded by how I felt when I was around you. It took me months and months to connect the dots and understanding the times when I was with you. It was so hard for me to distinguish between your games and you actually being real. I thought you were perfect, kind, caring, honest. But looking back, it was all manipulation. It frustrates me to no end to know you used it on me. Honestly, losing you hurt like hell. It was like you had just plunged a butcher knife into my heart and twisted it. And until now, it hurts. You never saw how abusive you were because you thought that abuse only happens physically. I want you to know that all those blood, bruises, scars are happening deep inside my heart, mind and soul. I feel like I lost myself and the more I thought about it, the more I found that it is true. After you broke me, I realized I couldn’t recognize any of the broken pieces of myself scattered on the floor, and what's worse is some of the pieces are already missing. And I have no idea if I will ever find those again. You destroyed me. You ruined my perspective in marriage. You crushed my hopes for brighter days and finding a true love.

Today, instead of thinking of our Wedding Anniversary, I think of this as an anniversary of a new start of my life without you.

I am not this girl. I am not the girl who cried herself to sleep for months, the girl who constantly begged for a guy and waited around to make up his mind. Yet, here I am. I am doing this to myself for four months now, knowing that you aren't losing any sleep over any of this.I still love you. I love you so much. I love you with everything my heart and my body and my soul had to offer. Hell, I'm in love with you. You should have been my one and only. You should have been the love of my life. You should have been my forever. You really missed out. It could have been a good marriage. I wish I could hate you because you deserve that. But it's not even close.Today, instead of thinking of our Wedding Anniversary, I think of this as an anniversary of a new start of my life without you. I just don't want to be a pawn in your game anymore. I am so much more than that. I am a woman with good intentions but who makes mistakes; a heart who has seen storms but is filled with so much love and kindness, and an over-thinking mind full of outrageous ideas. I want to thank you. You made me stronger, wiser and better through the adversities you put me through. You taught me to never settle for assholes like you — to never let someone treat me like crap again. I gained my self respect when I walked away. Thank you: for all your time, even though mine was wasted; for your words, even though mine were the only ones that were genuine.For showing me through examples of the person I don't deserve. Don't worry, I forgive you for never loving me in all the ways you should have. I will live my best life and I forgive you for not wanting to be a part of it. However, I hope you're happy and successful and have a life full of love and joy.