The Russian Cosmonaut

Why do we endure traumas like abuse, assault, and rape?

Simply and not simply put, because we have to.

Because most of the time, it is the best option, or the only option we have.

Because leaving or fighting back means threats to our physical safety or to the safety of the ones we love, threats to our reputations, threats to the ability to continue to lead our normal lives, or threats to our mental sanity. It might mean leaving our jobs and homes, losing loved ones, or rebuilding our lives from scratch. It means facing fear, shame, guilt, and loss head on.

Because we often did try leaving or saying no, but it did not matter.

Because what many people fail to realize, is that we have little control over what is happening to us.

But being present, fully aware of the truth of what is happening to us, is not an option either.

So we dissociate. We daydream. We count. We fixate on a spot in the distance. We live half in this world and half in another.

We rock back and forth in an effort to self-soothe in the bathroom while they vacuum up the evidence of their unchanged behavior. We lay there face down, a non-participant, gripping the fitted sheet and waiting for it to be over, as someone ignores our pain and strips us of our dignity. We stand there looking off into the distance, as they yell in our faces, moving only periodically like a robot to wipe their spit off of our faces.

It is hard to explain to people who are not trauma-informed why I did these things. It is an understanding that only survivors share.

I did what I needed to get through it the best I could. That's what survivors do.

I learned to hear music in the ticking.

I came across a quote a year ago from the movie "Another Earth" that ignites pangs in my chest every time I hear it, because it so perfectly describes in a way I cannot in my own words, why I stayed, and how I got through it. I wanted to share it with you all (I also recommend you watch the clip of this scene, as the actress does a powerful job delivering these lines).

The quote goes:

"You know that story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So the cosmonaut. He's the first man ever to go into space, right? The Russians beat the Americans. So he goes up in this big spaceship, but the only habitable part of it is very small. So the cosmonaut's in there, and he's got this portal window, and he's looking out of it, and he sees the curvature of the Earth for the first time. You're the first man to ever look at the planet he's from...and he's lost in that moment.

And all of the sudden, this strange ticking...begins coming out of the dashboard. Rips out the control panel, right? Takes out his tools. Trying to find the sound, trying to stop the sound.

But he can't find it. He can't stop it. It keeps going...

Few hours into this...begins to feel like torture. Few days go by with this sound, and he knows...that this...small...sound...will break him. He'll lose his mind.

What's he gonna do? He's up in space! Alone! In a space closet! He's got 25 days left to go with this sound.

So cosmonaut decides, the only way to save his sanity...is to fall in love with this sound.

So he closes his eyes...and he goes into his imagination...and then he opens them.

He doesn't hear ticking anymore...he hears music.