The Last Time

Most of my life has revolved around some type of trauma.

It seems as though it is never ending. Like there is just trauma after trauma after trauma. I have come to terms with what I have experienced in my childhood. I’m still healing from what has happened, but I have accepted the process and have begun to move forward in healing from my childhood abuse.

What I have not come to terms with, however, is the last six months of my life. Around the end of January, a person I had been seeing raped me. I’ll call him James for the purpose of this post. In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that this was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Which is still true, though somewhat complicated. I’ll explain.

You see, I thought that after James raped me, I would never see him again. I had told him that I didn’t ever want to see him again, and he just laughed and said that he knew I’d say that. What I didn’t count on was James coming back to my house periodically over the next six months. I didn’t expect him to just walk into my house unannounced, or send me countless texts every day, even though he knew I had his number blocked. I didn’t anticipate being in an abusive relationship for six months. But that is what happened.

It seems as though it is never ending.

I ask myself almost daily why I didn’t go to the police sooner. Why it took James trying to kill me for me to finally ask for help. I mean, I knew what abuse was. I knew that what James was doing was wrong, but I always convinced myself that each time he came over would be the last time. Except that it never was.

Finally, a couple weeks ago, the last time really was the last time. James came over and I immediately knew that something was different. Whenever he came over, he always criticized what I was wearing, wanted to know where I had been since he last saw me, and other details about my life that he felt were pertinent. That night, however, something was different. He didn’t do, or say, any of the things he normally said. Instead, he was eerily silent.

When he was holding the pillows over my nose and mouth, he made sure that I could see him and that I could hear him when he said he didn’t care if he killed me. This was the turning point for me. All of the previous times I could deal with. Or, I had convinced myself that I could deal with them. In that moment, however, my only thought was that I needed to survive the night. That if I could just get through him raping me one more time, then I could make him stop.

I always convinced myself that each time he came over would be the last time. Except that it never was.

I did make it through that night, and I did go to the police. I had a SANE exam and made full statements to the police. And I am working up the courage to press charges. At this point, I have told James that I will involve law enforcement if he ever contacts me again. He has not contacted me since I sent him that message.

I know that healing is a process, and I know that it will take some time for me to begin to work forward from the traumas of these past few months. I’m still working through my childhood traumas, my rape from last year, and I haven’t even touched the last six months yet. I haven’t truly admitted/accepted for myself what I have survived. I know that it will come with time, and I know that it is possible to move forward from my experiences.

I am trying to allow my experiences to shape my life in a positive, rather than a negative way. I tend to focus on the negatives of what I have experienced. But recently, I have been trying to find three positives in every day. Whether they are related to my experiences or not. Through doing this exercise, I have realized that despite the hard times, I really do have a lot of positive aspects in my life— even though it isn’t always easy to acknowledge the good parts. Especially during times when what happened just hurts.

I know that it will come with time

It is hard right now, like really hard, but I know that I can do this. And I know that you can too. You are not alone, and neither am I, and together we can become HER.