Being Victim

So there is something I’ve been struggling with. It is the ‘being a victim’ part.

It may sound crazy, but I know that in order to heal, I need to feel like I am the victim in this whole story. I need to start having compassion for myself. Seeing myself, my younger me and my present me, as innocent. I need to put the blame on my father. But I can’t.

There is such a strong voice in my head saying that I can never blame him. That he is the victim. That he is just sick, and I am being selfish by accusing him of these things. That voice is saying that I am just looking for an excuse for all my issues. That I’m horrible and disgusting and selfish for putting it on him.

I need to start having compassion for myself.

I can wake up with such a pit in my stomach. A pit of shame. Shame that I ever spoke up. Shame that I told people. Shame that I befouled his name. That I hurt him.

That’s how it feels, like I’m hurting him by speaking up. He didn’t hurt me, and I am hurting him. And I feel so ashamed for doing that.

On the one hand, I know that I need to feel a little sorry for myself in order to heal. On the other hand, I hear that voice. Saying that I don’t deserve to feel sorry for myself. That I’m pathetic if I do. That people will look down on me if I blame my father.

So here I am, trying to work through this. To really start seeing myself as the victim. As innocent.

Just last week, I saw a small girl with her mother. It was her birthday, and she was four. She was smiling, pure and simple. And for the first time, I understood that it is wrong to hurt a child. That they need safety and protection. Love and warmth. To grow into healthy people with healthy hearts. Maybe I saw a little bit of myself in her.

And maybe one day I will see her innocence in me.