The Erin Story: Part 4

Continued from Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. 

There's one other Erin story before THE ERIN STORY that led to me leaving him once and for all.

He had planned a trip to a location about three hours away from me to go mountain biking on his new mountain bike. I had told him how close it was to me but I had also, in a separate conversation, told him I was trying to save money because I was separating from the military. He took those two conversations and assumed I couldn't afford to make the trip. He told me he was going by himself, that it was going to be a “soul search” vacation to relax and unwind. I told him that was exciting and hoped he would have fun. It finally came time for his trip and he kept me up-to-date on his flights so I knew he was safe. His first morning there, while I was at work, he sent me a mirror-picture selfie. I was excited. I always asked him to send me pictures, just everyday life photos of what he was up to. It made me feel like I was part of his life. I loved it. Well, he sent it to me and on the bed behind him was a white bag. It wasn't a carry on; it was too small. Instantly, I knew. It had to be... had he lied to me? No, he said he was going alone... He said… He…  He didn’t invite me because he wanted to be alone… He… I… Her… I… My brain was a scrabbled mess. I gathered my thoughts and brought control back to my trembling hands. I asked him what it was. A simple text message. He said it was Erin's. She came with him. I lost it! SHE was there with him on his “soul searching” trip. I was a few hours drive away, and he flew her from Miami to be with him. I couldn't handle it. I was at work, so I held it all in as best as I could, but I couldn't. I couldn’t. I ran away from my desk. I told one of my coworkers and left to go change out (it must have been toward the end of the day because I wouldn't have just left like that — I wasn't allowed) but she followed shortly behind me. My phone was still in my hand in a Pelican case. I threw that baby all the way across the small locker room and it bounced off a locker and onto the floor. I didn't care about anything in that moment. I wanted to melt away. I didn't want her with him. I didn't want to not be with him. I didn't want to be alone either. My coworker talked to me and I calmed down enough to function. I couldn't wrap my brain around any of this. Why was I reacting like this? Why did he lie? What was actually going on? At this time, she was crashing in his spare bedroom until she could get a new lease to move her kid here to the States. I honestly, wholeheartedly believed she was living in the spare bedroom. I really did. He complained about how she ALWAYS wanted to be with him. How she was clingy and the he liked that I never acted like that with him. That she was too much for him to handle living in his apartment even if it were just for two months (or however long it was). So, part of this trip was to take a break from her. To decompress. To ride an amazing bike trail and just be himself again.

I felt betrayed. I was disrespected. I was lied too. I had no idea my place in his life. I had no clue who I was to him. I felt broken; I was broken.

I have since talked to one of my polyamorous friends about my reaction. He told me, in his experience, this is what often what happens when kept 'in limbo' and/or without a defined relationship and no hierarchy of partners. When someone is unwilling to define the relationship, it's harder to 'settle into' an open relationship. Knowing where you stand is the backbone of polyamory. Knowing that no matter what, we are still 'in a relationship' and that my partner cares deeply for me and respects my feelings is how polyamory functions on a healthy level. They and I can love others and have intimate relationships with other people but at the root of it all, there is a 'primary relationship' that will exist and will take precedence. I had already put him in that position. For him, I was never in that position, because I was never allowed to “be in a relationship” with him. Without all of those elements and intensely intimate conversations and open communication polyamory will never work. In that moment, I didn't have any of those elements. I felt betrayed; I was disrespected, I was lied too, I had no idea my place in his life, I had no clue who I was to him. I felt broken. I was broken. I went out with my coworker that night and had a great time, I crashed at her hotel (she was a reservist so she didn’t actually live in the area. The military put her in a hotel.) and tried my best not to think about him.Eventually, he and I “talked it out” but I was never “over it.” This really hurt me — the worst pain I had ever felt thus far. He made excuses and he told me that I was being unreasonable, all the “normal” things he told me. The next night he called me to tell me they were fighting and that she was upset with him for not giving her enough attention and support. He was looking forward to her moving out and me moving in. That was one of the few times he actually told me he was looking forward to me living with him. So, that, I think made me calm down. I now see it as a “power more” by feeding me that hopeful compliment, he changed the subject. He made it about him. He made me excited about something so it would trump my fear, anger, and resentment. With time, this fight faded away and the hurt I felt didn’t seem important. I continued on with my plans to move to Miami and live with him. I did not want to move back home. I wanted to go to school but I wanted to go to a new school. I wanted to study something new. I wanted adventure. I wanted him. I wanted to be his submissive. I wanted to have a 24/7 D/s relationship with him. Moving was the only way I was going to get any of that.