Testing the Waters

I don’t usually tell people anything bad about my life.

I let them think I’m happy; I let them see my achievements and my progress. I can usually block out things that I don’t want to think about, but recently that’s been getting harder to do. I hope that by anonymously sharing some experiences I can put some them out there and then let them go. This first story isn’t everything, but it’s a good way to test the waters.My mom always told me that she resented me because she quit her job when I was born, and her resentment seemed to grow worse as the years went by. I grew up being called a “stupid bitch” and a “fuck-up.”  There were times when I’d have to stay in my room because she didn’t want to look at me. If I said that something hurt she didn’t think should hurt she would pull my hair or hit my arm (“that doesn’t hurt, THIS hurts”). When I started weighing over 100 pounds in high school she said I was fat. She’d offer to get me pills so I could kill myself. If my grades weren’t high enough – 95% or above – or if I did something else that she didn’t like, she would throw things at me or hit me with towels and ask what the hell was wrong with me. On the bright side, I’ve gotten really good at dodging.

If I said that something hurt she didn’t think should hurt she would pull my hair or hit my arm (“that doesn’t hurt, THIS hurts”). When I started weighing over 100 pounds in high school she said I was fat. She’d offer to get me pills so I could kill myself.

One time when she tried to hit me with a towel my dad restrained her, but otherwise he’d stay out of it. He was at work most of the time, and I think that he also wanted to avoid being her target. There were two times when my school and CPS got involved, but my parents coached me on what to say to them (“You better tell this social worker you’re fine and that you lied”). I did what they told me; being honest would have made things so much worse at home.I accepted the fact that I wasn’t worth anything and that no one wanted me or would ever want me. Even though I always had friends, I’d feel guilty that they had to be around me. I graduated high school at 16 so that I could get away from home. It’s been over 10 years since then; I’ve gotten married, I have a house and a job that I love, and I’m almost finished with my Ph.D.

I accepted the fact that I wasn’t worth anything and that no one wanted me or would ever want me.

Growing up I knew that I was stupid, I was annoying, I was in the way, I was unwanted, and I was bad. A lot of the time I still think that way. It’s basically engrained now – I don’t know how else to think and I don’t know how to believe that I’m actually worth anything. Most of the time I feel like I’m trying to apologize to the world for my existence. I’m so scared of anyone getting mad at me for any reason because I don’t know what they’re going to do with that anger. I’ve thrown myself into my work and I’ve found success – I have publications and I’ve won awards. I volunteer with various nonprofit organizations and my research focuses on how to best help those impacted by violence. I always try to say yes whenever anyone asks me to do anything. But I don’t know if any of it really matters. Or if I matter.Staying busy distracts me so I think less about how much I hate myself, and maybe if I’m good enough at work and do enough good things in the community people will actually want me around. That comes with a catch though – that’s all value based on actions rather than on something intrinsic. I always wonder if the people who seem to like me actually like me, or if they just like the work I do. I want to be worth something. I want to be able to actually believe that people can care about me. I don’t know how to do that. I hope that one day I’ll figure it out.