Survivor Story: Meet Alicia
Trigger Warning: The following contains content about sexual assault, domestic violence, and incest that some readers may find disturbing and/or potentially triggering. Reader discretion is advised.
Meet Alicia.
At 30 years old, Alicia is happily married to her husband and a loving mother to her twins. In her free time, Alicia enjoys backpacking, reading, and playing board games.
Alicia was born into a religious family and was the daughter of a youth pastor and the Sunday school coordinator. Her family situation appeared very normal, but behind closed doors, Alicia’s father would physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse her along with her sister and mother.
Around the time Alicia was seven years old, her father was grooming their babysitter who happened to be a youth member of their church community. This went on for two years and resulted in her parents getting a divorce when Alicia was nine years old. Alicia’s family suffered as this grew into a large scandal and was spread across multiple churches in her area.
“Honestly, I ended up walking away from God for six years because I didn’t understand how a loving God could allow all of this suffering to happen.”
As a result of the divorce, Alicia’s father was granted partial custody. During that time after the divorce when she would go over, the house would be a mess. Her father neglected to clean as there would be weeks worth of dishes in the sink and not enough food for them to eat. Alicia’s mother would send them over with food, but her father would eat it at night when the kids were asleep. In addition to this neglect, he would still beat Alicia and her sister for minor infractions.
“As a child abuse survivor, there is this strange loyalty toward your abuser, especially if they are a parent. I spent so much of my life covering for him and downplaying what has happened to me.”
At 22 years old, Alicia said enough is enough and cut ties with her father. However, Alicia was unable to completely cut him off as she was afraid he would do more damage to her mother. Alicia invited him to her wedding just so he wouldn’t call and continue to victimize her mother.
At the beginning of 2019, Alicia decided that her word for the year would be ‘unbreakable.’ Alicia was prone to physical injury as well as working on healing from her trauma. She wanted to be strong in every sense of the word: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
“The thing I didn’t realize at the time was that to become unbreakable, first you need to break.”
It was only a month after Alicia claimed the word ‘unbreakable’ that she started experiencing sexually explicit nightmares. These nightmares consisted of her father sexually abusing her at a younger age and ended up taking a huge toll on her. In an attempt to distract, Alicia threw herself into her work and weight loss program. However, Alicia soon realized that she was heading in an unhealthy direction.
Alicia started getting professional help. From what she’s pieced together with her therapist, Alicia’s father sexually assaulted her between the ages of 3-5 years old.
“I always knew that I didn’t remember vast sections of my childhood and I thought that was odd. Turns out, it was my brain’s survival technique.”
Alicia has been very open to sharing her story. She has made a majority of the people in her life aware that she is a survivor of domestic violence. However, she says only a handful of people know she is a survivor of incestuous child abuse.
“As a child abuse survivor, there is this strange loyalty toward your abuser, especially if they are a parent. I spent so much of my life covering for him and downplaying what has happened to me.”
Due to the fact that Alicia’s abuser is her father, she fears that by sharing, she will be punished or that there will be some type of fall out for coming forward about what she endured.
The first person Alicia told was her husband. They were both in tears when she confided in him. Alicia originally felt shameful because of it, but her husband has been so loving through it all. Alicia also has a group of key friends who are always there when she needs someone. These important people in Alicia’s life show their support by listening and asking questions. They make sure to let her know that no matter what she shares with them, their love and opinions of Alicia aren’t going to change.
“There is hope.”
Alicia has also told other family members. Some of them have been super loving and supportive, others not so much.
“I told one family member and their words were ‘That doesn’t surprise me, you were so damn cute as a kid.’ If that doesn’t tell you how ingrained rape culture is in America, I don’t know what will.”
Alicia feels it’s important to let others know that abusers are charmers. She is sharing her story because although those who know her biological father might not believe her, what Alicia has to say is the truth.
This trauma has impacted Alicia in every area of her life. Alicia has experienced memory loss, which is very common in trauma victims and survivors. In addition, Alicia has found it difficult to connect with people and has had some health concerns as an effect of the trauma.
To Alicia, healing is possible. It's slow and it’s hard, and sometimes setbacks happen. Healing is freedom. Healing is being able to love herself as much as she loves others. And most importantly, healing is accepting who she is in God’s eyes without feeling like she’s second class. Alicia’s faith is what has been allowing her to heal the most.
“To anyone reading this, you are not alone. There are people who have walked the path you are on and have come out whole. There is hope.”
This is part of our Survivor Story series, where we help a survivor share their story on our blog. This piece was written by Kelsey Flanagan, a We Are HER volunteer. Interested in sharing your story? Email stevie@weareher.net.