Expose the Darkness- Leaving the Abusive Christian Partner
I met T.J at a small, non-denominational church in our hometown. I never knew T.J. personally but I knew his family for five years. He immediately caught my attention and I was curious about who this man was worshiping God in the front pew. I had promised myself I’d stay away from him because my intentions were not to find a boyfriend in church. I thought, “if he’s interested in me, he’ll pursue me.” But he didn’t.
“ “Yeah I ended up kicking that guy’s butt one day and haven’t seen him in years since that fight”. That was the first of many red flags I should’ve paid attention to but chose to ignore. ”
One Wednesday service, I heard the tiniest voice tell me to just go talk to him, but I didn’t have the courage to do it right then and there. So instead, I thought I’d message him on social media and ask him out for coffee. Instead, he offered to take me out to dinner. Our first date was a cheesy movie and small dinner. On that first date, I really was unsure about him and wasn’t entirely confident that he was ‘my person’. On this first date, we ran into an old co-worker of his and he openly says “Yeah I ended up kicking that guy's butt one day and haven’t seen him in years since that fight”. That was the first of many red flags I should’ve paid attention to but chose to ignore. Being a Christian woman, I was raised to choose to see the good in others, regardless of their past. It is my calling to be like Jesus and I believe Jesus would find compassion and forgiveness to give to others.
T.J had a very dark past; an abusive father (his father was also abused by his mother), drug use, high school dropout, getting arrested, etc. But as it says in the Bible, if you declare with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, that you will be saved from your sins (Romans 10:9). I believe that God is a forgiving God, and that no amount of darkness that surrounds your past can prevent you from being forgiven by God. I believed in my heart of hearts that T.J deserved a beautiful chance to be happy. But not all things are as they seem to be.
T.J. and I only dated for 3 months before he asked for my parent’s blessing and my hand in marriage. Ridiculously quick, I know, but who am I to judge what timing is perfect? I was on my way to move out East to Connecticut, a place that I wanted to call home and had been working hard to move to for almost two years, and T.J. was afraid of doing long distance. The only way to keep me in his life was to put a ring on my finger; this was his first sign of manipulation and control that I never acknowledged until many months later.
We then did long distance dating for 3 months before he made the big move out East and we eloped; a total of 6 months of being a part of each other's lives and we were already calling each other husband and wife. Our first few months of our marriage was wonderful. We were taking road trip adventures together, adopted a dog together, celebrated our first holidays together, and explored our new home. We were reading the Bible together, attending church, and praying with each other as a husband and wife should. But our marriage took a major shift when COVID-19 took its place in the U.S.
He seemed to be panicking over what our government was doing about shutting down businesses and truly believed Martial Law was under way. He stocked up on excessive amounts of camping food, camping supplies, ammunition, 50 gallons of water, and so much more. He started becoming angry over how Christians were handling this new virus, how businesses were forcing people to wear masks, and turned his anger and aggression towards me. He even went as far to express violent matters and acts that he would do to government officials, police officers, and even random strangers. When I lost one of my jobs during the lockdown, he started controlling our finances and began hiding money from me. He was angry with how I spent money on groceries and to put gas in my car, but wouldn’t be upset if I chose to spend $150 to get eyelash extensions. He expressed how he didn’t like my choice of wardrobe. I love striped clothes but he said I ‘looked like a child’. He was driving dangerously, to the point that I believed he was purposely trying to kill us. He called me scum, spineless, and said I was too sensitive. And within just a few months, the man of God that I thought I had married, began to look more and more like a stranger.
During those months of lockdown, my mental health was taking a deep dive. I started having thoughts that led down a dark path. My thoughts would always begin with, “I wonder what it’d be like to be married to someone else?” or “I wonder what it’d be like to just be by myself and be single?” and eventually led to “I wonder what it’d be like to not even exist?”. Luckily, these thoughts were just passive and never active, but it still scared me to have those thoughts. I felt guilty for imagining what my life would be like without my husband. I felt like a terrible wife. So I did what I knew best; turned to God.
I spent countless nights praying, studying in the Word, and even finding Bible studies and Facebook groups that were specifically for Christian wives and how to be a better wife for your husband. I prayed for God to change my husband and my husband’s heart. But nothing was working. T.J. was becoming more and more aggressive and angrier with anything I did or didn’t do. Suddenly he was yelling at me in public places like the grocery store and even church. Swearing at me and reminding me of everything I was doing wrong to upset him. He started to come home late from work every Friday with bloodshot and dilated eyes. I knew his past of drug abuse and had a hunch that he was heading down that path again. But every time I brought up his eyes and asked if he was okay, he’d turn on his defense shield and blame me or anything else that he could to change the subject.
One day, he was angry with me for deciding to do dishes instead of eating dinner. I thought that if I deep cleaned everything in our home that my husband wouldn’t be so angry with me… boy, did I swing and miss on that one. He became so angry that he threw a glass plate full of food at me and stormed out. I pinned myself in the corner of the kitchen, fell to the floor and sobbed. Shaking uncontrollably, I discovered for the first time that I was afraid of my husband. He then came back to the apartment and yelled at me, asking why I was crying so loudly. ‘You’re crying so loudly everyone on our floor can hear you!’ But in typical fashion, T.J. didn’t apologize for his actions. Rather, he would find an excuse to blame; work was bad today, my family is giving me problems, etc. And in my typical fashion, I forgave him and chose to forget. But I didn’t really forget. The next day, I packed an emergency backpack full of clothes and toiletries to get me back to my hometown if I needed to escape from T.J.
I had no one in Connecticut to rely on. I had no family, no real friendships that I trusted, and no coworkers I felt could actually help me. But I knew who was watching over me the entire time.
“I told God that I needed an excuse to leave. I needed T.J. to actually explode in order for me to have an excuse to leave.”
After that incident, my prayers began to change. No longer did I pray that God would change my husband (because clearly, there was no changing him). Instead, I prayed for God to help me hold my tongue. I believed that if I just kept my mouth shut and never responded to T.J.’s actions or outlandish outbursts, that he would never take his aggression too far. I knew I couldn’t leave the marriage. Growing up Christian, the church teaches the congregation that the only grounds for divorce is adultery and that God hates divorce if it is for any other reason. The Christian church never speaks about abuse and what are the grounds for divorce if abuse is a factor in the marriage. So what did I do? I stayed. But I told God that I needed an excuse to leave. I needed T.J. to actually explode in order for me to have an excuse to leave. And boy, did God answer my prayer.
T.J and I decided to take a road trip back to our hometown to visit family and friends. Before we could even leave the state, he yelled at me once again for not packing the car and not preparing enough food for our road trip. We actually had stopped to get gas somewhere and he screamed at me for not wanting to use the bathroom. I truly did not have to use the restroom (I’m pretty sure I know my own bladder better than you do, sir). But to ‘please’ him, I went into the gas station, looked around at the pops and Gatorades, went to the restroom to wash my hands, and then got in the backseat of the car. I wasn’t going to tolerate him yelling next to me while I sat in the front. So I sat in the back seat for almost the remainder of the road trip with our dog. Looking back at that day, I realized that I never cried. Almost every time he screamed at me, I’d cry. But for this first time, I just sat there and took it. I took his yelling and gaslighting. I think in that moment, I knew I was done.
We finally made it back to our hometown and I was relieved. I felt like I could breathe a little bit better. But what I didn’t know, as we were celebrating our wedding and engagement with our friends and family, was that I would be fleeing from him and hiding in a different state. While some of the events that occurred in just 24 hours are quite triggering still, I will tell you this: for the first time ever I didn’t know who I was speaking to or who I was watching as they were yelling and screaming at my family. If you would’ve told me that that was my husband, I would’ve laughed in your face. But God needed me to be removed from the situation to actually see the kind of man I was married to and to see that I was no longer safe being married to him. Luckily, my sister who lives in the next state nearby, was also visiting my hometown. She was a witness to the 3 hour yelling match in my parent’s front yard and understood immediately that I was not safe with T.J. anymore. She was the beginning step of helping me flee from my husband.
The next 24 hours after leaving my so-called husband is a blur (from a neurological standpoint, my brain was in fight or flight mode and shut down part of my brain in those moments of trauma). What I do remember is that I made it safely to my sister’s house and communicated to T.J. that I needed space to think about things. He wasn’t giving me that space though. He didn’t respect me enough to give me space because he claimed I was his wife and was not allowed to be separated from him, even if it was for just a couple of days (gaslighting me with scripture about what I was doing was ‘sinful’).. My plan was to take about three days to be by myself and to just think and pray and then fly back to Connecticut . But T.J. didn’t give me that time.
Instead, he decided to look up my sister’s house on White Pages, screenshot a picture of her house and address, and tell her that she had 30 minutes to get me to call him or he would drive to her house and come get me. My plan of flying back to T.J. turned into my sister and I filing for a protection order and then immediately filing for my divorce. Let me say it again; this wasn’t the plan. But God in His powerful ways needed to make sure that I stayed away from T.J. for good.
The month’s following were some of the biggest challenges I’d face after leaving my marriage. I drove back to Connecticut with my family and a few friends to retrieve my belongings from my apartment without even having to look at or deal with T.J. I had to attend court over Zoom for my sister’s and my protection order. While I had to see T.J. one more time, it was validation for myself that I am incredibly strong to have to face my demons. And validation that the man I once called my husband is a liar (even under oath) and is a master at manipulation. While my protection order is no longer in place, my sister’s is and I am still legally protected under that order. I had two more court hearings for my divorce, both of which I never even had to see T.J. again. While the process of divorce took much longer than necessary, thanks to my ex-husband and wanting to make sure I suffer financially, it ended in my favor with the greatest victory of all; my freedom.
I truly believe that God’s hand was over my marriage; not as a way to bless my toxic marriage but to save me from it. Many things occurred in my marriage that frustrated me and did not make sense to me. Things like purchasing a house or even changing my last name. I attempted to purchase a house but was denied from even receiving a mortgage loan. I attempted to change my last name after getting married but due to COVID, all social security and secretary of state offices were closed and were unable to proceed with name changes. I even thought about closing my personal bank account after getting married, but a family member advised me not to. All of these little components that honestly irritated me and I never understood why were all just a part in God’s great plan for me. He knew my situation better than I did.
After leaving my marriage and finding a new sense of identity, I am hoping to change the Christian community and the topics of domestic violence. I am hoping to educate and advocate for those in the Christian body to research and find scripture that demonstrates that it is not intended for Christian women to stay married to their abusive husbands. I hope to help Pastors and leaders within the church to receive training and to better equip themselves to help their congregation. Because truth be told, the body of Christ is not educated. A study done by LifeWay Research in 2018 showed that only 46% of pastors are trained in domestic violence situations and only 18% of these pastors believe that domestic violence is a problem within their congregation. If Pastors aren’t acknowledging abuse, how is a Christian supposed to recognize the signs of it?
While I am not a Pastor or Minister, I do know that in Ephesians it states that we should have nothing to do with the deed of darkness but rather expose them. It also states “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.” If God is saying that we shouldn’t be partners with anyone who deceives us with empty or hurtful words or actions, then wouldn’t He say the same for marriage? While I admit that I had pondered returning back to my old life and consequently back to my marriage, I knew what scripture was telling me and I knew what God was telling me. It was time to find my freedom.
My family and I have had to adjust to a new life; my parents selling their house and moving elsewhere to protect themselves from my ex and his family, changing my identity and starting a new life in a different state, and my siblings and friends no longer posting about me on social media. It’s been a shift but a very positive and healthy one to say the least. My family saved my life that day. They acted swiftly to make sure I stayed protected, they let me crash on their couches for months on end, helped me apply for jobs, let me borrow their vehicles, and so much more. I'm truly lucky and blessed to have this kind of support system because I know many women don’t have this kind of support to help them flee from an abusive partner. More importantly, I’m blessed that my marriage lasted only nine months with no kids and no house. I have encountered many women who escape after 20 years of marriage with nothing but a baby on their hip and clothes for their child.
The day I left my marriage, I had a small suitcase of about five changes of clothes and $500 in pocket. That was it. Now, almost a year later, I have a new found confidence, my identity, freedom, great jobs, and am currently back in school again. I walked away from my dream home in Connecticut, my dog and best companionship, my career, and my life. But after leaving, I gained so much more than what I walked away from. And that, my dear sweet friend, is something I would never trade for.
-Evelyn