Strength in Submission

Although it is not a new concept, I want to explore something important in my recent life.

Through my submission, I am empowered. Ok, hang in there with me folks not familiar with the Kink/Alternative Lifestyles and the term “submission.” And **Mom/Family of any sort, if you are reading this (because I know many of you know who I am by now…), you will want to stop and sit this article out.**That said, if you choose to keep reading this article, know you have been warned. The following is not for 'family eyes.'Ok, where was I? submission. I am not submissive. I am*a* submissive (sub for short- always lowercase). The distinction is this: in my daily life, I am often seen as quick witted, out-spoken, occasionally mouthy, always liberal, with some added feminist-flair. That part of me never changes. However, in my private romantic sex-life, I find it most rewarding and most comfortable to be guided and lead. Power exchange is incredibly thrilling and is the one time my brain quiets so I can just react and follow.Put me in front of the right Dominant type, and I am their bratty but eager-to-please submissive. This part if me was taken advantage of by 'Austin-the-recruiter.' He knew this about me and would do one of two things about it. He would (1) refuse to let me express that side of myself when I needed to most or (2) use it to his advantage in 'intimate' situations. Neither were healthy for me.He refused to let me explain to him that submission reaches outside of the bedroom. I craved the freedom of the submissive headspace that comes from being told what to do and when to do it (this all ONLY comes after understanding and negotiation). Although physical pain could not be given/received over a distance, he never allowed the exploration of other ways to satisfy this need I had, a need he claimed he wanted to fulfill. Sure, we had kinky sex but he never truly understood what I needed, and he never understood the line between kinky sex and kink. I think he was too narcissistic and self-absorbed to ever care for a submissive, he just liked the idea. That can be ok, but that's not what I needed, wanted, and was asking for.

Well, I recently met someone; this is new, so don't ask me for any labels.

I am definitely not trying to get ahead of myself here. This one just sort of appeared and I am ok with that. My point of sharing this, well, I guess, there are a few different points… but the most important one is that he is also a Dominant (Dom for short- always capitalized). I wasn't looking for a relationship with Dom, I was not looking for any relationship. I had settled into being comfortable with myself again. I was “college-kid against the world, hear me roar.” I was calling myself pre-med, because I finally believe in myself enough to go after what I want. I was and I am very busy with my extra-circulars. I had also just 'shaken off' a guy who got way too clingy way too fast. I was never interested in a relationship with the clingy one. As I said, I wasn't overly interested in a relationship in general, but ESPECIALLY not with a Stage 5 Clinger I had not even had sex with (who knew that was even a thing?). Still, here was this guy… We met totally unexpectedly at an event and talked more at the event’s afterparty. I fully expected a one-time-hook-up and that I would never hear from him again. A week later, he was still around. Two weeks later, still around… I was excited. I am excited. I keep waiting for some huge red flag or for me to run away from him, but, thus far, it keeps getting better. He pays attention to what I have to say. He has expressed that he wants me to experience different and new aspects of Dominance and submission (D/s) in healthy ways. I feel respected when I am with him. I don't feel like what I am saying is being brushed off. I feel cared for. After all, that is the point of D/s, to equally enjoy the power exchange and have a “give and take” dynamic. To completely over simplify for the sake of explaining that last sentence, the Dom gives dominance, the sub takes the dominance, the sub gives submission and the Dom takes the submission. I know it’s not healthy to compare a new/current partner to a past one, but… Austin-the-recruiter never made me feel like I had a voice; the things I said (or texted or wrote) to him were ignored, forgotten, or brushed off as being unimportant… so, I just want to be excited for this. I am doing my best to control my excitement for him. I know myself and I know how submissive I feel, in general, around Dominant types. There’s a term often used within the alternative lifestyle circles: New Relationship Energy (NRE). It is that “high” feeling when you are first getting to know someone. It can be a very good thing but it can also make you feel like you are closer to someone than you actually are. Brain chemistry and hormones and psychology of relationships all play into this but I won’t bore you with nerd-talk. Real life example, remember that one time how that person you went on two Tinder dates with seemed super human and perfect for you then you learned more about them and HATED them. You never wanted to talk to them again? Maybe you even ghosted them for the sake of getting out of it? Yea, that was likely NRE making you excited over the “newness” not the ACTUAL person. So, with all that said. I am very excited about this new person but need more time to separate out the “NRE high” versus excitement for his dominance versus actual excitement for him, as a person.Most relationships end- that's just how relationships work, unfortunately. We have many, many relationships while trying to find one that lasts. We get a few that last for an extended amount of time and of those few, we hope to find happiness while we are in them. Right now, I want to enjoy those waves of happiness. I’m happy just to be happy about someone.I want to enjoy my empowerment through learning to submit to someone who is willing to go about this dynamic in a healthy way.