Space
Shrinking
That’s what I was taught to do
Cowering
Oh honey
That was my religion
Getting on my knees
Begging for supplements
Daily provisions
Of what was already endowed to me
Compassion
Respect
Validation
Affirmation
Only received it
After performing
At my height
At my greatest
Each
And every
Damn
Time
Jesus Christ
Was nothing more
Than a dick
Shoved down my throat
From morning
To noon
And sundown
It all went down
Coming
And coming
With the gospel
Choking my spirit
Crushing my emotions
And suppressing my innermost desires
As if one prayer
One session with the bible
and holy oil all over my head
Was going to erase
The madness
The insanity
Which ran my household
I am not afraid of hell
However
The terror of it
Was ingrained into me senselessly
From upon my earliest memories
Of consciousness
I was told to do good
Speak properly
Respect those in authority
Be a well-brought-up young lady
And having that hair pressed
Pulled back all straight and shit
Didn’t hurt
But for what?
Because any slight deviation
From this rigid formula
For “right” living
Would damn me?
To the innermost horrific
Places of hell?
And I would be forsaken
Forgotten
Never know the touch
Of a god they all told me
Loved me unconditionally?
Was all of that crap
Really for God
For any god?
Was it just for
The white folk
Who could not stand
To see a black girl
Free of their oppressive arms
And happy with her parents
Living in a neighborhood
That they cut ties with their own families
And left homes that made them
Just so I could know a different future
With options that for so long
Only open to the kids
Who lived in winter wonderland
All their lives?
Was my obedience
My loyalty
My undying worship
Really for the Lord?
Wasn’t it just
For parents
Who were in all honesty
Just as fucked up
And traumatized
As my grandparents
And their parents before them?
Wasn’t it all done
Because they made it
Explicitly
And consistently
Clear
That I would be yelled at
Beaten
And treated as an invalid
If I did anything wrong
Which could’ve been
A simple fight at a school
Where typically
A white girl provoked my ass
Because even at seven years old
She knows she can screw me
And get away with it
For the rest of her life
Or I ate off the cheese of a pizza
Because it tasted so good
Then was criminalized for liking food
Going overboard
“Wasting money”
Had the entire cupboard emptied of its food
Placed in front of me
My mom screamed at me to eat it all
Since I liked food so much
And knowing deep down
I could never tell people
About the dark side
Of a mom I loved so deeply
Who had her own demons to play with
Was my desire for love
For safety
And security
Worth a father
Who readily gave me to Christ
All the days of my life
But could turn his back at any moment
Leave me begging
For his love
Leave me crawling
After his indifferent steps
Walking further
Deeper
Into the pains of his torment
Which he continually
Covers up
With holy oil
Scriptures
Black gospel music
Sunday visits to church
But none of it
And I mean
None
Of
It
Stopped him
From abusing me
Hitting me
Yelling at me
Gaslighting me
Terrorizing me
When triggered
By my disobedience
By being simply
A teenager
Who made a mistake
Or a growing young woman
Realizing the power of her voice
Understanding the fragility of her father
It did not stop him
From manipulating me
Into silence
Using my fear of losing a family
A caretaker
Suffering more loss
As a means to make me think
That it is okay
For him to violate me
Dehumanize his child
Destroy me with his words
And his hands
Then next minute
Act like nothing happened
That I am the insane person
For remembering the truth
Regardless
Of whether it shows on
Or in
My body
Was I being a good girl
When those white boys
Disrespected my culture
My race
My sex
My religion
My history
Took away my right to valid visibility
Made degrading jokes
About black girls
How we speak
How we talk
Even though I spoke their English
Better than the past three to four
Generations of their families
And aced my classes
Because of the hard nights
Studying with my parents
Or on my own
Because they told me from jump
Both my mom and dad
“Twice as hard for half they have.”
Was I being a
A model citizen
When I was bullied
Harassed
And never fought back
The white girls
Who were half my size
Had lipstick redder than my skin
And enough privilege
To send my great-grandchildren to graduate school
The light-skinned
Middle Brown
Chestnut
And darker skinned black girls
The black femmes
Who wanted to continue the cycle
Of internalized anti-blackness
Killing us all one by one
The one black girl
Whom white people confused our names
Even though I am reddish brown
And she the color of the space
Which surrounds our planets and moons
Who hated me because of her obsession
With me
And hated that I did not want her
Pushy
Aggressive
Boundary-violating ass
In my face
Taking that as my being bougie
Uppity
And thinks going from
Asking personal questions
That deserve no answers
To beating me up on a school bus
After my mom died
Not to mention follow me
While taunting me
Were tokens of friendship
Was I a proper young lady
When that white boy
Pretended to be my friend
Only so he could corner me
Isolate me
In the hopes of raping me
For his pleasure one day
Without my knowing
Was I proper young lady
For each time
Men preyed on me
Some claimed to be
Praying for me
They came like wolves
Three
Five
Seven years
My senior
Graduated to
Ten
And twenty
Maybe thirty years
Old enough to have a drink
With my dad
To be my father
Or uncle
Maybe granddad
In their eyes
They knew I was a child
Even though their lies
Poured from their lips
With all the approaching
My vulnerable
Curvaceous
Thick
Feminine
Form
“You act and look so mature”
“You do not look your age”
You could say the same for your daughters
But I guess you wouldn’t want her
In my position
With another man
Worse yet
Your wife
Baby mama
God forbid your mother
Figuring out
You prey on young girls
And act as if it’s just consensual flirting
With a grown woman
Newsflash, perverted jackass!
Young black girls
Whether big or small
Dark
Light
In between
Are not grown
And you should check your pedophilia
In hell
Where you can fuck yourself
Into hellfire
Over and over again
Don’t forget
The black trans girls
The non-binary black children
And the boys who are femmes
The girls who are butches
And everyone else
That was preyed on
In the name of anti-blackness
In the name of invalidating children’s rights
Stealing their innocence and voices in one shot
Were we just being good children
Respectful
Well-bred
When all of this bullshit happened to us
And had no one to turn to
Because our families
Our friends
Teachers
Pastors
Churches
Places of worship
Placed more energy
Into creating a facade of community
Then actually healing it
By destroying the systems of oppression
Keeping all of us captive
In its tight clutches?
When I said I do not fear hell
I mean I have no terror
No paralysis of any sort of place
That has already been made familiar to me
I have seen the many faces of Satan
And know them by first name
I know each and every dark corner of hell
The cracks
The openings
For escape
And entry
I knew what it meant
When the beast came out
What to do
When it isolated me
Held me in its grasp
With nowhere to go
Fighting with all my strength
Freezing out of intense fear
Wishing I were dead instead of alive
So I would not feel the crushing
Agonizing suffering of the moment
Learning the many methods of appeasement
Over the years
Because if I could not leave
I thought I might as well try to control
Maybe change
The beast
That made its mission
To always devour me
Slowly
So I could feel every sensation
Of degradation
Detachment from a body
That was not worth protecting
According to almost everyone in my life
So here I am
Barely 20
With no home of my own
Moving from place to place
Outrunning always ‘
The claim of ownership
My past
My dad
My mom
My family
The tormentors
Have long made me believe
They would always have over me
Here I am
Just becoming a young woman
But has more than enough experience
Being placed into
Mature situations
By adults I trusted
Without my consent
Without my approval
And little to no understanding
Because an adult thinks it’s okay
To abuse the child’s blind faith in them
And ignore their no’s
Invalidate their inherent sense
Of knowing their wants and needs
Here I am
A survivor
Of the wreckage
That is
My family
Once the Black camelot
On our block
Now a forgotten site
Of the only home I ever knew
A mother
A wife
Who died without warning
A father
A husband
That did more
In destroying his daughter
And her trust in him
With everything he did
In trying to salvage
The family he had left
And then me
The daughter
Who learned too early
That the only one
Who would protect her
And give her
What she truly needed
Would not be a parent
A teacher
A pastor
A friend
Or lover
Never pornography
Erotica
Delicious candy
Home-cooked food
And it was not an all powerful god
Not Jesus Christ
That saved her
It
Was
Me
And with myself
Still intact
Complete with brokeness
My veins bleeding
Unapologetically
My scars moving
Like the roaring waves
Upon the unforgiving shores
I say now
Before the world
Who may
Or may not
Want to hear me
Enough
(Whisper shyly with fear)
Enough
(Say firmly, with a little more confidence)
Enough!
(Scream it like you’re reliving your worst nightmare and memory)
Enough!
( A little louder, more anger)
Enough!
(Scream it like you’re reliving your worst nightmare and memory, with all the rage, insanity, and pain that has been forced underground. Prolong it as long as possible while four to six people bang the floor with a stick.)
I have had it!
I am done
We are through
Disgusted
Livid
Thoroughly
And completely
Over it
With your misogyny
Your sexism
Racism
Classism
Homophobia
Xenophobia
The many faces
And colors
Of your prejudice
The smiles that side order
Your discrimination
The laughs that haunt
The people
You rape
After closing hours
And your temper
Whenever your child
Your partner
Anyone that is valid
Expresses a boundary
Like a freaking normal person!
I demand the space
To call out
And put an end
To rape culture
To sexual violence
Gender violence
Towards all
And
Once
And
For
All
-Jourdan