Being Left With Doubts

Last week I was bicycling with my brother. It’s really fun to do that with him. We have good conversations. It’s true quality time for us as siblings.

And sometimes hard subjects come up. 

My brother told me some things are really a product of my dad abusing and terrorizing our family. He thought my insecurities lately are coming from that, too.  

So I thought about it and somehow I ended up thinking about the phone conversations. The conversations I’ve written about earlier. Where my dad shared sexual details and suggested that I should do sexual things with him. I’m not sure how often it happened but eventually I told my mom I didn’t want to call him, when she heard everything he said, she took the phone from me and got furious.

It’s hard for me to seriously talk about this, it feels like a taboo. I told some people (very quickly and meaninglessly what he said but never ever told anyone about what it did to me. They never asked anything about it, it was more like an "oh okay" -thing. No one ever was interested; they all have woven it away.

But it does affect me.

Like the insecurities, the way he told me I betrayed him, the way I felt around other people (men) ever since, the way I forgot until 5 years ago this all happened, the way it made me question (later when I remembered it all of the sudden) if never anything more happened, the way it effects my love life (like, I don’t have one), the way I treat myself sexually (I deserve pain and don’t deserve pleasure), the way I was totally shocked about the story my dad wanted to give me the same name as a person he raped, the way I felt bad about some memories, the stories I heard about him abusing women at his job.

All these things. 

I question myself a lot, did something more happened?

But I never asked somebody the million-dollar question, “Is this sexual abuse? Is it possible something more happened?”

But I never ask, I never had the guts. Like, I really have an awesome therapist. She's amazing and trustworthy. But I never told her my doubts. She asked once (in the very beginning of my therapy) and I lost my breath when she asked. She asked, “did he ever do anything else to you?”. I told her in a split second "NO!" but maybe I should have left all the options open, because that's how I feel. I truly feel like he did more... I don’t remember specific but still. I do have memories that concern me.

And why I never told anyone? Maybe because I felt scared, being rejected. I am scared people tell me I should man up. I’m scared of rejection and pain. They will tell me my feelings are invalid. That’s possibly the worst they could say.

This is all in my head, I'm exaggerating or anything like that. So that leaves me here. Feeling truly sexually abused but not tough enough to speak. And the older I get, the more unlikely my story becomes. I must shut up for the rest of my life...

~written by Namasté allday~