The Phone Calls with My Dad that I Couldn't Talk About in Therapy

Apparently it drew the line for a six-year old.

I forgot it for a long time. I didn’t remember him doing it. At least, I didn’t remember it was that bad. I was always convinced that it happened but that those things can happen. It wasn’t nice or fun, but it was more like a mistake or a bad decision he made, and it’s over now, so it couldn’t affect me anymore. I shouldn’t talk about it because it was already in the past. Above all, I blamed myself for making it such a big deal.

About three years ago my therapist asked me if he did anything else to me I didn’t like, beside hitting my family and I, beside stalking us, threatening to kill us and abandon us.

About three years ago my therapist asked me if he did anything else to me I didn’t like, beside hitting my family and I, beside stalking us, threatening to kill us and abandon us. I knew she meant something sexual. And my first response was shaking my head, “no, of course not!” After that session I questioned myself a lot. I said no, but did I try to remember hard enough?Since that moment I thought about one situation in particular. I searched several times online if it was a form of sexual assault. Most of the time, the answer was affirmative — it really was a sort of sexual assault. Even after the opinions of several professionals, I didn’t have the courage to talk about it with my own therapist. Even though she is really kind, loving and understanding. I trust her now, but you can never go back in time…

I didn’t have the courage to talk about it with my own therapist.

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine had some troubles with a boy. He was sending her naked pictures and videos of him masturbating. The day I heard it, my heart broke. She is such a fragile little bird with already broken wings. She told me that they were friends and she just told him once, she didn’t like it. After that she just didn’t respond anymore. She thought it was in some way her fault and it wasn’t that bad. At that point I knew my story would make clear that it isn’t ok to do that in any situation. She was kind of shocked but fully understood what I was telling her. Even if you say nothing at all, saying nothing is still not a yes.After that week I felt brave enough to tell my therapist why this situation with my friend had such an impact on me. I cried really hard during the session. I told her that I had some telephone calls with my dad when I was six years old. My mom always told me I could have as much privacy during the call as I wanted. So I always went to my room and I made it something special, something fun.At one point I remember my daddy talking about his penis, I remember him saying other disturbing things, things that I should do when I was with him, things he wanted me to do. He gave me nasty details . That is the conversation I remember the best.At one point I decided to stay in the living room while telephoning with him. My mom was also in the same room when I put the telephone on speaker. In that moment my mom heard what he told me and took the phone from me, which was exactly what I wanted at that point. My dad was furious and said I didn’t give him enough trust, that I had hurt him by doing this, that he hated me.

Telling this to my therapist wasn’t easy because I still have the urge to minimize it.

Telling this to my therapist wasn’t easy because I still have the urge to minimize it. That’s mainly because I just remember that one conversation. I don’t know what took me to the point to involve my mother. I don’t know how long it took me, and I don’t know what else he did tell me. Because of all of this, I thought, I don’t have the right to be hurt. It was just one phone call.My therapist made something real clear to me. Apparently what he told me was alarming enough to make a six year old feel something isn’t right. It made a six year old have no choice but to “betray” her daddy.The way she told me that made it clear for me: maybe I can’t remember, but it took so much more to make a kid feel something isn’t right. At that point he already crossed the line. I guess I have the right to feel bad about all this because he crossed the line and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.~written by Namasté allday~