New Adventures in Life and Love

Starting a new chapter in my life is more terrifying than I'm willing to admit.

In a few weeks, myself and my current partner are moving to a new town/city and going back to school. We both have some less-than stellar memories in this city. In a way, that makes this even more meaningful and it also makes it sound kind of weird. Why would I move back to the town I once so desperately wanted to leave? I wanted to leave it because someone else had told me it was a shitty town and my partner was told by others this is where he had to go. Fast forward to now—we are both actively making the choice to move back.

Why would I move back to the town I once so desperately wanted to leave?

Initially when I applied to the school in this town, it was mostly a joke. Like, sure I'll apply, but I'll never go here. I had my 'dream school' picked out and a plan on how to make school there work out. It was a plan, but then I changed my major and then my second 'dream school' wouldn't take any of my lab classes because they are a research school and would require me to re-take these classes (Bio, Chem, and Anatomy & Physiology) if I wanted to keep my biology minor and I wasn't willing to compromise. So, despite getting into a prestigious school with a recognizable name and one of the top sociology programs in the country... I'm going to a tiny school no one has even heard of (despite being the oldest higher-ed institution in this state). All these new adventures await with my amazing partner at and on my side: loving me, supporting me, respecting me (and my quirks). Why can't I shake a deep-rooted fear of failing? I am terrified that the amazing life I have painted in my head is going to crumble away. About three weeks ago I had a really bad day. I have been struggling to manage my anxiety lately and my depression symptoms were not in my control on this day. I got mad at Troy for basically no reason. He was trying to help me solve a problem and I just didn't want help but couldn't communicate that. So, instead of being rational I stormed out of our bedroom seconds away from full-on blubbery tears.

Why can't I shake a deep-rooted fear of failing? I am terrified that the amazing life I have painted in my head is going to crumble away.

Later that day, I crawled back into bed with him and we talked. I cried and cried and cried. I just needed to. I told him I was terrified of doing something wrong or upsetting him and causing a wedge big enough to separate us. I still carry much of my self-doubt that was instilled deep inside me during my 'relationship' with Austin. Troy is my best friend, my partner, and the person I want to take with me on this journey forward.