He Told Me He Would Kill Himself If I Didn't Take Him Back

Up until this month I didn't think to consider what happened to me in the summer of 2014, when I was going into 7th grade, to be harassment.

At that time I had no clue what my sexuality was. Gay, straight, bi, pan? I didn't know. I had many boyfriends before I realized, but there is one in particular that stands out. We dated for about thirty seconds. I distinctly remember him asking me, me saying yes, having the gut feeling that this relationship would end horribly, and ending it.Within 20 minutes, every one of my friends had heard. Lunch started with the chants of "take him back, take him back" and "say yes, say yes!" My friend group had split into the group of girls and the group of boys.I felt alone. The girls, my friends, were laughing when I told them I had a bad feeling. Suddenly, it was his world and I was a speck that he wanted to claim as his own.

We dated for about thirty seconds. I distinctly remember him asking me, me saying yes, having the gut feeling that this relationship would end horribly, and ending it.

After a long, long time it was summer. For a month, my life was normal. For a month. Then, he started texting me."I'm going to kill myself if you don't get back together with me""I cut myself for you""I've carved your name into my arm""come back to me"I was at my mothers graduation while trying to convince someone not to kill himself."I am depressed without you""I'm watching how to make a noose on YouTube""You're the only reason I'm alive"I was sobbing in the bathroom. Hoping no one knew what was happening.Since then, I've been afraid to share this story. Afraid someone would say "It's nothing" and think I'm rude for thinking I had been through something bad. In fact, even sharing now, I am terrified that I will be laughed at.

I now know that I can be strong. I now know that I can share my story for others to learn from. I am glad I am sharing this, it makes me feel strength that I haven't felt in a long time.

But on the inside, I know that it is not dumb to be tortured by that summer. It is not selfish to not be his friend again even if my friends think he's changed. It's okay to feel scared when I see him. It is not irrational; it is not weird. I now know not to feel guilty because other people have gone through worse than I have. I now know that just because I didn't let it get far enough to be physically hurt that I can still be mentally damaged. I now know that just because it was five years ago doesn't mean I should feel guilty for still have terrifying dreams and thoughts about that summer. I now know that I can be strong. I now know that I can share my story for others to learn from. I am glad I am sharing this, it makes me feel strength that I haven't felt in a long time. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.