My Graduation Night

Hi Readers!

So last week, I left off with the homecoming dance. It's pretty obvious I had a huge crush on Trevor. Like I said, I hadn't even held a boy's hand before, and then, all of a sudden, in the span of one night, I got my first kiss, too!

After that dance, Trevor asked me out. We were one of the power couples of the school. It was perfect. And by his senior year, he was one of the starting players on the football team. I had made the varsity cheer squad, and our relationship felt perfect.

After the season, he got accepted into a great college on a full-ride football scholarship, and I knew finishing high school without him would be difficult, but we were up for the challenge. We had been talking kids and marriage, and by his graduation, he gave me his class ring as a promise ring. I only had eyes for him.

My senior year dragged on without Trevor, but I was accepted into the same college he was attending. It looked like my life would be falling into place soon.

But one thing really bothered me. My dad didn't like Trevor, and he made it very clear. My dad's opinion really mattered to me, especially since I didn't have a mother's opinion to fall back on. Anytime I mentioned Trevor, my dad didn't have a reason why he didn't like him, just that he didn't care for him at all. I felt it was safe to assume that my dad didn't like Trevor since he was stealing his baby girl away from him. How was I to know otherwise?

But I had been counting down the days until my graduation. It would be a big moment for me. I had worked so hard. I was graduating fourth in my class, but graduation also symbolized the day I would become a real adult — an adult who could join Trevor at school and really start planning out my life.

The evening was here. I had picked out a beautiful white summer dress that reached my knees. The one thing I had left of my mother was her favorite pearl necklace that hung right at my neckline. The promise ring my father had given me my freshman year of high school rested on my ring finger, the opal forever signifying the promise I made to my dad to stay pure. After two and a half years of dating, Trevor had pushed the idea a few times, but he said he was okay with waiting. I knew I might break that promise once we were both in college together, but I couldn't imagine breaking that promise while I was still living under the same roof as my dad. I couldn't betray the one thing he had ever asked from me.

Before I knew it, the graduation ceremony was over and my dad was picking me up giving me a hug. I could see how important this day was for him. I would be the first person in our family to go to college. I looked back and Trevor was there, holding flowers. I ran over to him. This was just another one of our picture perfect moments. All of the football games, prom, homecomings, everything that high school had entailed — it was now over. Other couples had started and broken up, but here we were on the last leg of this journey, ready to begin another chapter.

My dad offered to treat all of us to dinner in celebration. He and my brother headed over to the restaurant, but I wanted to change out of my dress. I told him Trevor and I would meet them there shortly.

I wanted to make good timing so we wouldn't leave my dad hanging for too long. I left Trevor downstairs and dashed upstairs. Hmm... purple top and shorts or capris and this yellow blouse? I held my options up for a second glance and decided on the yellow blouse. I slipped off the first sleeve of my dress when I felt Trevor's hands on my waist.

My first instinct was to give Trevor a kiss and remind him I was changing. We had plans. I never suspected what would happen next.

Trevor started kissing my neck. It's not like he hadn't done this before. His kisses trailed down to that dangling sleeve and then toward my breasts. I wasn't in the mood. All I could think about was my dad. I was a little firmer this time, letting Trevor know that my dad was waiting. He would have gotten a table by now. But my words seemed to be going in one ear and out the other. He wasn't paying attention to me. Soon he had me in his arms, carrying me over to my bed. I dropped the blouse I had in my hands. I was annoyed, but I wasn't suspicious of anything that was about to happen.

The next thing I knew, Trevor had his shorts off, and was thrusting himself into me. I knew what was happening, but at the same time, I really didn't. All I could think about was how much time had passed.

I looked up to see my graduation dress pulled up to my waist, the white fabric bunched up. I didn't even think about the ring from my dad or my mom's necklace, just that this was my graduation day, but it would forever be tainted by the fact that it was now the day I lost my virginity.

I always imagined what that day would look like with Trevor, and never did I picture it with tears flowing down my face. Never did I picture it as a quick, loveless act where I'd be self-conscious about my dad waiting for me. Never did I picture it happening without my consent.

But it did. Trevor saw my tears and ignored them. Trevor wasn't loving and kind toward me during or after it. And Trevor didn't respect the fact that he knew I didn't want this.

But did I make that clear? I never said no. I never screamed. I never told him to stop. It was my fault. I could have said no. Trevor loved me enough that he would have stopped if I said so. He would have; I knew that.

I never said no. I never screamed. I never told him to stop. It was my fault. I could have said no.

Trevor put his arm around me as he drove us to the restaurant. I was quiet. But it's because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed that I had just had sex, and now I had to act normal in front of my dad. My mind was racing. I should have said something to Trevor. How could he even know that I didn't want that to happen if I didn't speak up? I felt stupid. But this was my big day. I didn't want my dad to think anything was wrong, so I faked a smile and ate a huge dinner with my three favorite guys in the whole world.

Three months into college, Trevor broke up with me. I missed class and cried for a week straight. My world was flipped upside down. He said I cheated on him, but the thought would never have crossed my mind. I felt lost and disoriented. I had Trevor by my side for three years, and now I was alone.

I was sad Trevor broke up with me, yes, but a huge part of my sadness was because I believed I would never be happy again. What guy would want me now? I had literally given everything to Trevor and I felt that since he had been my first, he should have been my last, too. I was also too afraid to tell my dad anything. I always had flashbacks of my graduation night. But I knew Trevor loved me, so I tried my best to repress them.

I felt like if I opened up to my dad about what happened that he would be disgusted with me for having sex and breaking our abstinence promise. I knew I could never tell him what happened that night.

Over Christmas break, word had gotten around to our hometown friends that I was the lying cheat who broke Trevor's heart. I tried explaining myself, but it seemed like most of my "friends" wanted nothing to do with me. I woke up one morning to see the words "whore" spray-painted across the front of our white siding.

My dad knew it was Trevor and his friends, but he didn't say anything. He just held me close and he, my brother, and I scrubbed off the paint until our muscles were too sore to move and our fingers were frozen. I wanted to die. I was afraid, but I was so embarrassed of all the rumors taking over my life.

I realize now that my biggest weakness was my fear of disappointing people. I let that fear rule and control my every move and thought. So much so that when I finally learned about rape for the first time in college when a woman spoke to my sorority, I didn't even realize that I was a victim of sexual assault.

I didn't want it to be true. Trevor was a good guy to me. He loved me for three years and only made that one mistake during our relationship. We all make mistakes, right? And I made mistakes, too. My mistake was that I didn't speak up for myself. I could have done something on that night. I could have locked my bedroom door when I changed so he couldn't come in. I could have clearly said no. I could have yelled or punched him in the face even. I had so many options that I chose to ignore.

But a woman stood in front of me that night and told me how her husband had raped her, and all I could think was how does a husband rape his wife? That makes no sense. 

Because what I had known about rapists before this talk was that they were creepy men who preyed on young women leaving the bars at 2am. They were men dressed in dark colors who found you in alleyways.

Rapists weren't your football star boyfriend of two and a half years who gave you your first kiss. Rapists weren't the guy who you shared details with about why your mom left your family or how your dad was your role-model. Rapists weren't supposed to know your birthday or attend your graduation.

And when that woman looked me directly in the eyes and told me what her husband did to her without her consent, I looked back and thought she was kind of crazy. That was her husband, of course he would have sex with her. How was this rape? I didn't understand. I even judged her a little bit. I think a part of me was jealous she even got to have a husband when my chances with Trevor were all gone. The one thing I always wanted was now not even a remote possibility for me.

But years later, that woman's words did finally resonate with me. And that's why I'm sharing my story. That's why I needed We Are HER, and why I hope HER is able to reach out to many other women, because we do need this. But I'll explain more about that next week.

Thank you for reading my story.

XOXO,

TheGraduate.