Losing Things from the Past: Part 2

As I was writing my post the other day, I realized it should be broken into two parts. In Part 1, I already told how that first sentence can be taken differently than I meant. And I realize I should look at it as an upside/downside thing.

Yes, I lose things from the past. It feels like I'm losing parts of myself, parts of my childhood, parts of my life. Slowly losing grip on the credibility of my memories.

But I know I'm losing bad parts of the past too!

With the death of my father, I lost also the realistic fear of getting hurt or killed. I still feel like I'm in the middle of a war zone but now at least I'm allowed to work on that. When your life is still terrorized by a person, when he's still threatening, when he still comes at your door, when he breaks in your house, follows you, makes debts and steals while using your address, you just can't work on improving yourself, possessing things. Because you are in fact still in a war zone. It would be unsafe to put off your armor while being in a shooting. 

We lost a lot of things which is positive. We lost our cable phone. We kept that phone number so my dad had a way to contact us. But we could control his contact. If we wanted to have some rest, we just pulled out the cable. But having this phone was enough for my dad, he somehow didn't have the urge to find our mobile numbers (except for one time). So we could have a mobile phone without any problems. Now we don't have to have a cable phone anymore.

I'm also allowed to use social media again. And I can use an email address with my name in it. I don't have to get mad when someone posts something about me on social media. I can talk about my dad without being scared he's listening somewhere. I don't have to explain anymore why people can't stay at my house in some periods. 

By losing my dad, I gained a lot of freedom.

I hope one day I'll write about losing things from the past and my “upside” story is longer than my “downside” story. I hope I'll lose a lot of PTSD things. I hope I'll lose the secrets I'm carrying. I hope to lose my fears. I hope I lose some anger. I hope I'll lose the damaged part in me and find a rebuilded part.

But I know it will take a long time, and that's OK 

~written by Namasté allday~