Leaving Cloud Nine

The first moment, the moment of being in love, or at least believing that the magical feeling you have in your stomach is love. That is where my story begins.

While in high school, I only had one serious boyfriend. I had not dated within my school because I grew up with all of them since kindergarten. Not to mention that 90 percent of the kids I went to school with, our parents had gone to school together as well. Being a senior and having this amazing boyfriend from another town was exactly what I thought I wanted. He had graduated the year before I did and worked at our local grocery store. He was always so kind to me when I came in and made me feel like I was special. Then one day when I came into the store, he asked if we could hang out. My heart skipped a beat. Of course I told him I would love to hang out sometime. One thing led to another and we started officially dating. Those first few months of being in a relationship always seem to feel like you are on cloud nine. There were love letters, special mixed CDs, flowers, and date nights. Every time we went out in public together, we always held hands so everyone knew we were in love. The kiss and hug goodnight were always my favorite. I felt as if could live in those moments in time forever. That amazing feeling of butterflies in my stomach and the breath I lost during the kiss. I chose to believe this is how our relationship would always be.As the days and months went by, things started to not look so picture perfect. We started to have arguments. They were small but continually happened. I began to notice that most of our arguments ended with, “you're too sensitive” or “you need to not take things so personally.” It was hard to hear those phrases because I didn’t know how to fix the problem. I didn’t know how to not think that way or feel that way. Whenever we got into arguments and he told me that I was being too sensitive, I immediately agreed and apologized for being upset.

We started to have arguments. They were small but continually happened. I began to notice that most of our arguments ended with, “you're too sensitive” or “you need to not take things so personally.”

One evening, the argument turned into a not-so-light argument that I couldn’t turn away from. My boyfriend had decided him and another buddy were going to go out to the strip club all night, and I didn’t hear from him once. For one, I worry about the people I am close to. So, when I hadn’t heard from my boyfriend since 6pm until 10am the next day, I was terribly worried that something could have happened to him. Once I was able to get ahold of him, he was angry that I had called and texted so many times. I was “being dumb” for how I was acting. He could do what he wanted, and he didn’t have to have my permission to do anything. I tried to explain that I was worried something had happened to him but the response was that I was trying to be controlling. In addition to being worried about his well-being, I was worried about him looking at other women and naked women at that. I’ve never been crazy confident about my body or myself for that matter, and it was a hard thing to try to put at the back of my mind. This argument almost ended our relationship, but I wasn’t willing to just give up. Then came high school graduation and how exciting it was. I was finally able to move out of the small town and move into the bigger city. Getting accepted into the University was such an amazing accomplishment because neither of my parents went to college. I was going to make a difference and become a school teacher. Graduation day I moved out of my parent’s house and into my first apartment. I shared an apartment with my boyfriend and his friend’s girlfriend. I couldn’t have been happier. A month went by and I noticed that I had not started that oh-so-important time of the month. Panic mode set in, and I immediately went to the grocery store where my boyfriend worked. He said everything would be okay and to go get a pregnancy test and take it here at the store. I cried when three tests showed positive. I had taken birth control every day to ensure that something like this wouldn’t happen. We decided to go to the Planned Parenthood clinic for a pregnancy test just to be sure. The test I took at the clinic came back positive. There was a whirlwind of emotions that tore through me. My boyfriend comforted me in the car and said everything would be okay and he would be there with me every step of the way. Being eighteen years old and pregnant takes a major toll on a relationship. I didn’t have an easy pregnancy and had multiple major complications. I had hopped on the computer to search different ways to help with morning sickness that happened all day long, and I noticed a string of searches that made my heart sink. I mean, I know I was pregnant, but I didn’t think I was that awful for him to feel the need to watch porn. When I confronted him about what I saw on the computer, he denied that he was the one who searched and watched them. As I cried, I knew that wasn’t the case, but I thought that maybe it wouldn’t become a regular thing. I chose to not look at the history or searches on the computer through the final part of my pregnancy, because it caused horrific screaming matches. It would send me into panic attacks, and, in turn, cause problems for my daughter.The day finally came, our beautiful daughter was born on the morning in February. With all of the complications and struggles I faced during the nine months of pregnancy, it all went away the moment she came into this world. We would have our little family and everything would be alright. We brought our tiny human home to our new apartment where it was just the three of us. I knew the road ahead was going to be difficult. I just didn’t know how difficult it was actually going to be.