I'm Learning Not to Blame Myself for What He Did

When I was a kid, I had strong beliefs — beliefs that weren’t always true.

As a kid you think it’s simple. Your world is small and all that exist is you and your family. When troubles appear, the first thing you do is search for a solution, and if you can’t find one, you should search better. You have to keep looking for an answer.For me, this mindset meant that most problems had to be my fault for several reasons. Reason one is that I couldn’t find a solution for my daddy’s abuse. I didn’t have a way to make him stop doing drugs, nor could I stop him hurting my mom. This was when the seed was planted, the seed that turned my head into a jungle with just one purpose: making sure that my guilty beliefs would never leave my head. I taught myself that blaming others doesn’t work because then, as a person, you have no control. In order to have control, I blamed myself. I hated myself, I’d hurt myself, and so I destroyed myself. I did everything to take control, to make the situation get better. But whatever I did, it didn’t work.

I couldn’t find a solution for my daddy’s abuse. In order to have control, I blamed myself.

This is all I know, all I’ve done my whole life in every aspect of living. And even now that my father is dead and we escaped his torture, I still punish myself for not being able to fix the situation back then. I guess this is one of my worst old beliefs. Today I understand this is a way I cope, and it isn’t a good one. This way of treating myself isn’t necessary anymore. Back then it helped me survive — it helped me understand things that shouldn’t be understood. Now that I’m much older, I’m ready to fully understand things that have happened. I know I couldn’t fix it back then and I won’t be able to fix it right now. My father was a horrible person, my mother always did her best and my brother was a supporter because he lived through the same things.No one ever deserves to get beaten, threatened and abused in any kind of way. Now, I know. Now, I understand.These days I’m fighting my butt off to let go of my old beliefs because I don’t want to believe that the abuse was my fault. I don’t want to believe that he was on drugs because I was a bad daughter. I don’t want to punish myself for things I could not change. I want to develop healthy coping mechanisms. I choose a healthy way of treating myself. I want to clear the jungle inside my head till only beautiful flowers are left.

I don’t want to punish myself for things I could not change.

And it’s all because I know I deserve much more than my old beliefs. They were necessary, yet they were created by a child. I have to fight hard to get through them. Some I don’t even know are there, but in the end, I’ll choose the right thing: I choose to love myself.~written by Namasté allday~