I Wanted Our Happily Ever After

As much as I had hoped that our new baby girl would help fix our problems, it never turned out that way.

A few months after having our daughter, we had a couple major fights. Not only did he continue to watch porn and deny it, he was in a band and always chose that over helping his new family. I was so exhausted from taking care of everything at the house and taking care of our daughter by myself. I had reached my breaking point one night when I needed him to be there and help me. Quite frankly, I didn’t need him to do anything, I just needed him to comfort me and hold me until my anxiety and stress went away. He said that being in this band was his outlet, and he needed to get away from everything for a while. I was told I was being too controlling and I couldn’t tell him what to do. He stormed out of the apartment as I sat on the couch crying as my daughter cried. I sent him a text message and told him that I was going to move back in with my parents and we were no longer going to be together. I let him know that I would file a parenting plan with the court. I packed up an evening bag and asked my mom if my daughter and I could stay there for the night. She told me to come over. She helped with the baby that night so I could get some rest. The next morning, I received a flood of apology texts and was asked to please come home. “We will get everything worked out and it will get better.” I decided to go back to the apartment, because he said everything would be better and it wouldn’t be the same as before. I believed him. I wanted everything to be okay for our family. We decided to go shopping and argued on the way into town about what had happened the night before. I tried explaining over and over that I needed him and needed his support. I got the standard response from him that I was being too sensitive and needed to let things go. Again, I was in tears and didn’t know what to do or how I could change who I was. Once we stopped, he decided this was the opportunity to ask me to marry him. I’m not exactly sure what made me say yes, but I wanted to have our happily ever after and maybe this would help things. The wedding came and went, along with another year and our lives had not changed. There were the same fights and yelling matches that ended up with my daughter and me crying because she cried every time I did. I received the standard response he always gave, “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re being stupid” or “You need to not be how you are and learn to not take things the way you do.” I began to believe all those things: that I was being stupid and I wasn’t being a good person even though the things he did to me hurt my feelings and my heart. I started to sink into a terrible spell of depression. I gained an ungodly amount of weight for my small stature. My brain slowly turned against what I once was. I was no longer this confident, spunky, outgoing, happy-go-lucky girl. I never wanted to go outside or do anything with my friends because that caused a fight as well. Although, I hardly spent time with my friends anyway even though he spent a lot of time with his. I was told I was a terrible mother for going out for a night and letting loose. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I couldn’t win. I wasn’t good enough for him before I had a child, and I sure wasn’t good enough now that I had gained so much weight. And, of course, he was going to watch porn instead of be with me. One Saturday, my mom, dad, and little brother showed up to my house. I was told we were going to go to lunch together and to get ready. We got in the car and started to drive. I noticed we weren’t going anywhere near the restaurants. We pulled into the Urgent Care parking lot. My dad began to tell me that he couldn’t watch me be in the state I was in anymore. It hurt his heart to see what I was going through. He proceeded to say that depression runs in the family and maybe it was time I got the help I needed. At first, I was so upset that they would trick me into going to the doctor. I wasn’t about to take pills to “fix” the problem. After a small argument, my dad said he would go in with me and I wouldn’t have to be alone.

After speaking to the doctor and explaining how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, I was placed on antidepressants and sleeping aids. At first, I was ashamed of going to the doctor to be on pills, but once everything started working and I got the sleep I so deeply needed, everything started to look up. I made a vow that I would lose weight and be a better mother to my daughter. I thought that losing weight and being positive, my husband would love me how he should have all along.

About six months went by and I started to feel amazing. I was going on runs with my daughter in the stroller. I was cooking and eating healthy and the weight was falling off. I strived for that acknowledgment from my husband that I was doing well and that I was looking so much better. I did everything I could to make him happy and to want to be intimate with me. But for some reason, nothing I did was good enough. He was still watching porn and had zero intimacy with me. Then came all the fights, the screaming matches, the pointing of the finger that I was being dumb and over reacting. It was a hard blow for me. I didn’t know what else I could do to make things better. I couldn’t bear to see my daughter sobbing in tears just because mommy was crying. I would end up sleeping out in the living room with my daughter, and he would be in the room watching his dirty shows. I had decided enough is enough and we were going to separate. My daughter didn’t deserve to have to listen to those screaming matches. That isn’t how she should see how a man treats a woman.

After I told my husband I wanted to separate, he, of course, changed his tune on how he was acting.

I knew that things wouldn’t change though. I got invited to go to my high school best friend’s house for a Fourth of July party out of state. I gladly took the invitation to try to forget about the situation I would have to deal with once I came back home. I was an incredible time. I danced, laughed, made new friends, and experienced joy for the first time in three years. I had met another gentleman who was a close friend of my best friend. He was so nice and kind to me and treated me like a lady. Once I arrived back home, I was sure that I would never talk to him again. But I received a text stating that he hoped that I made it home safe and he had the most amazing time this past weekend with the most amazing girl he had ever met. I had never really heard those words before, and it made my heart flutter. We continued to talk for the next few months on the phone whenever the both of us had some extra time. I did eventually tell him where I was in life and what was going on with my current situation. He said that he would always be there for me to talk to and he didn’t want me to worry about him. One early morning, I didn’t hear my alarm go off and my soon-to-be ex-husband heard it and was upset it was going off. He took that opportunity to go through everything in my phone. Not that I was hiding anything, but I didn’t feel he needed to know my business because we were separated. He read the conversations between me and this other gentleman and our goofy silly face pictures we would send back and forth. I was woken up by a phone hurled across the room at me. He was screaming in my face that I was a slut, a cheater and a dirty, awful, terrible person. I didn’t even know what to say at this point. I told him we weren’t together anymore and he didn’t want me anyway. He stormed out of the house screaming how terrible I was and how I ruined the family. I tried to tell him I did everything I could to save our family but he never tried. He didn’t want to compromise with me. The only compromise he made was to not watch porn and for us to work on our relationship. We came back into the house as he was throwing things around the living room. I made him go into my bedroom, so we didn’t wake up our daughter. Once in the room, he unleashed everything he had on me. He was inches from my face, screaming how he couldn’t believe that I would slut myself out like that. He said that I ruined my daughter’s life because he grew up in a broken home and he hated it. I couldn’t get two words in at this point. I just stood there and took all of his harsh words with tears streaming down my face. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and was going to leave the room to get my daughter and go to my parent’s house.

As I started to take a step, he grabbed me by the arm and threw me to the other side of the bed and said I wasn’t going anywhere, especially “not with our fucking daughter.”

I laid there sobbing as he walked out of the room into the living room. I remember that he threw the phone at me earlier in the morning and it had to be somewhere close. I frantically searched for my phone and hoped that it hadn’t gotten broken in the process. I found it under the pillow, where it slid to after hitting me in the chest. I was shaking so bad I could hardly dial my mom’s number. My mom could hear the trembling in my voice when I told her I needed dad and my little brother to come get my ex out of the house. They were on their way before I could finish telling her what was happening. Mom told me not to hang up the phone until they arrived at my house. I waited on the other side of the bed anxiously huddled on the floor to hear the front door open. My mom then said that they were parking in the driveway and coming in. I told Mom where I was in the house and that my daughter was still out in the living room with him. The second my mom came into the house, my daughter immediately went to her grandma and they both came into my room. My mom said that we are going to stay in here until my dad came in and said it was okay to come out. I heard my dad and ex start to argue and my brother tell him, “it doesn’t matter where you go, you just need to get out of this house before we call the police.” At that point, I heard the door slam. My heart started to race as I heard steps coming to the door. I cowered behind my mom as the door opened. My dad and little brother entered the room and there was a flood of relief that came over me. I rushed over to my dad and just held onto him. Dad said he would always be there to save me and I didn’t have to worry ever again.