I Want My Sex Back

A lot of things get taken from you when you grow up in trauma. In the process of recovering, you find out how much exactly you lost. At first you can’t believe it because you’ve never experienced a life without being so sick. You just can’t believe that other people are healthy. You have no frame of reference. It has taken me a long time to get a frame of reference. To be able to see what a healthy mind, body, and life looks like. And it is blowing my mind every single time I discover something new.

One example is sex. I was never, ever able to enjoy sex. Even though I was with a very loving and trustworthy boyfriend. I was so stuck in a state of constant trauma, dissociation, and stress. I couldn’t feel my body, my emotions, or any physical feelings of love or affection. I could think that I wanted sex, but I couldn’t feel it. My body was fighting so hard every time that it would hurt, and I would even start bleeding. But I never said anything, I just did it. I believed that was my only worth and no one would ever want me if I told the truth. I thought my boyfriend  would leave me and no man would ever be interested if I didn’t behave like a sex doll. It went on for years, and I think it traumatized me even more. That it felt like rape for my body.

It has taken me a long time to get a frame of reference. To be able to see what a healthy mind, body, and life looks like. And it is blowing my mind every single time I discover something new.

When I did finally speak up, it was still a constant struggle. I was triggered so much and was constantly fighting the urge to be quiet and let him use me. It is still a struggle for me to believe that I am worth so much more than just my body.

And after working really hard on recovering and healing, I have experienced sex in the here and now. It blew my mind. For the first time in my life I could feel it. I could enjoy it. I could set boundaries. I could be honest. With it finally came an understanding of why people would want to have sex. Why people like it. Why it is such a powerful and beautiful thing.

But I still struggle with it. When I am triggered by something and I start dissociating, I lose it again. I can’t see living people with bodies who enjoy it. I see feelingless dolls who feel pressured to do it. It is frustrating sometimes, but it is very hopeful for me to see what my future looks like. My future is a living woman with feelings, wants, and needs. My past is a lifeless doll with no healthy sexuality.

For the first time in my life I could feel it. I could enjoy it. I could set boundaries. I could be honest. With it finally came an understanding of why people would want to have sex. Why people like it. Why it is such a powerful and beautiful thing.

And I know that even that girl who had no feelings still had worth. She just couldn’t imagine it. She was locked in a cage of hell and emptiness. But that girl fought hard. And now she is recovering. Her future looks bright and she is slowly becoming a human being. She is getting her sex back.

If you can relate, there is hope. Be honest. Speak up. Seek help. The work is hard, but the rewards are mind blowing. Your sexuality is yours and yours only. You are beautiful and you deserve it.