I Refuse to be Silent

I let my diagnosis define me for a long time.

I didn’t talk to guys past a first date. I let Liz’s words haunt me. I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to ever be where she was mentally. She was okay that our ex had lied to her about having herpes. She told me she had let one guy know and he decided he no longer wanted to date her. It was tough to hear, she said, but that she was okay. She knew one day she would find a guy who would love every part of her.I never thought I would either until I met Jake. Jake doesn’t care about my diagnosis. But he also asked me questions about it first. He wanted to know what could happen to him, how it would feel, if it would affect his life. I was honest. I told him how herpes affected me. It’s mostly a mind over matter disease. Only the first few outbreaks were bad. After that, the only bad part was accepting the fact that I had it.

The sad part is that many survivors of domestic violence find themselves in the same position as me — it’s just that him lying about having herpes bothered me more than him hitting me. That’s not the same for every survivor, but I have met plenty of other women who have had to go through both forms of abuse. It’s terrifying and it’s how our abusers get us to stay.

I don’t know where things with Jake will go. But I know that when I’m having a bad day, he’s the one I turn to. He helped me love myself again. I will never let my ex’s lies define me like that again. And I’m grateful that Jake was a big part in pushing me to think like that. I just hope every day that what he did to Liz and I is over. I hope there are no other girls he lies to. I wish there was a way to break his sick pattern, but I don’t know that there is. In the meantime, I am focusing on myself. I’m relearning my passions — the ones my ex took away from me. I’m becoming myself again and coming out of my shell. I’m speaking up about what happened to me and not sparing the details. And, as I’ve found out, there are many men out there like my ex. The statistic says that about one in every six people have herpes, and I’m finding that to be true. It’s just that no one talks about it. It’s too taboo. And the sad part is that many survivors of domestic violence find themselves in the same position as me — it’s just that him lying about having herpes bothered me more than him hitting me. That’s not the same for every survivor, but I have met plenty of other women who have had to go through both forms of abuse. It’s terrifying and it’s how our abusers get us to stay. All I can say is that I won’t be silent any longer.