I Have C-PTSD. And, Yes, It's Different Than PTSD.

They told me I have PTSD.

I don’t believe them because I don’t have nightmares or even memories that trigger me to avoid situations. When they ask if I feel less happy than I used to, sleep not as good as I used to, have the same eating habits as I used to, I get confused. When they say "used to," I don’t know what to refer to. I don’t understand which time in my life should be my “used to.” They say, before the trauma. What trauma?My trauma is not something that can be pinpointed. It wasn’t one accident, or one period in my life. It wasn’t three weeks of war nor a stereotype sexual assault. I was born in a traumatic situation, I still live in a traumatic situation. I never had a pause or a “used to.” From the day I was born, I lived in violence, abuse, and grief.So I didn’t understand when they asked me those questions. It felt like all the problems I have are part of me, define me. I had no before or after. Not one point that made me “traumatized.” To be honest, this is a BIG part of my problem. I just don’t fit in. I didn’t fit in at school,  with society, and I even don’t fit in the mental health system. I hated myself for that and I still do.

My trauma is not something that can be pinpointed. It wasn’t one accident, or one period in my life.

After their testing and little chats, they came with a diagnoses. PTSD (before 6th year). It made me sort of angry. I’m not a person with PTSD; I don’t fit in the guidelines. I felt relieved that I had a label because I’m 20 years old and I’ve been dysfunctional my entire life. It felt like it was about time for some recognition.All those mixed feelings made me search on the internet. They always advice you not to but despite to that advice I still did it. I looked for checklists of PTSD symptoms. I checked it over and over, considered my bad days and my good days. Still the lists confuses me because of the “used to” component.

It felt like it was about time for some recognition.

One day I read someone telling about their C-PTSD. I didn’t understand the meaning of the C. It made me curious, so I took my smartphone and started Googling. Soon after that, I found out that I definitely have C-PTSD. You can have the same symptoms as with a “normal” PTSD but there are some aspects that are different.

• Often people don’t have a clear memory of their trauma(s) because there is a dissociation part involved. Even in their normal life, they tend to flee in dissociation when they get triggered somehow (yup, definitely me). They also having a hard time regulating their emotions. For example: suicidal thoughts or inhibited anger. A low self-esteem is a typical symptom as well as distorted perceptions of the perpetrator. This all leads to shame-blaming, guilt, selfhate, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings. Relations with others can be difficult because of distrust and paranoid behavior. And last but not least, the way people value life and things in life. It make you feel like there’s nothing in the world that will take your helplessness away.

All those things are describing my issues. Even the expected causes are very close to my past: Long-term domestic violence, long-term child physical abuse, long-term child sexual abuse, organized child exploitation rings. In these situations, the victim is under the control of the perpetrator and unable to get away from the danger.Finally, I fit in, it really feels like I found something that explains my behavior. Something that makes me feel like I'm not crazy. I'm just a really damaged person, even before I knew my own name, I knew what violence was. Now I understand where my problems are coming from. It’s not PTSD, it’s a lifelong trauma since the day I was born.

I will fight till the end of my days.

When I'm searching on the internet about C-PTSD I read things about the consequences of having this mental illness. Things like selfharm, being suicidal, obsessive behavior, dissociation etc. are part of me as a person. And I'm not crazy, dangerous or an exaggerator. It’s okay for me now. I will fight till the end of my days.Please people (support system), understand that C-PTSD is something else than PTSD. Both are really tough illnesses but there is a difference! The trauma was a long period of time, under the control of a person we could not escape and it influenced every piece of our consciousness. Realize that it will not be fixed by 20 EMDR sessions. It much more difficult than “forgetting” some periods or rewritinh memories. We/I can’t rewrite my entire life…~written by Namasté allday~