I Am Learning How to Process the Trauma My Father Put Us Through

Lately, I have been allowing myself to be in a constant state of distraction. I've been feeling so disconnected and I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to admit that I've been in a place of almost "numb." Just go-go-go. Things that I normally love I am neutral to. I feel like my whole life is currently on auto-pilot—that I am just stuck.

I'm a person who experiences things deeply. Frankly, I would prefer that than dealing with the "nothingness." As I was working out this evening, it occurred to me why I've been feeling this way.

Recently a lot more memories of what happened to me during my childhood have surfaced. Ones that I never wanted to remember. Ones of more extreme physical and emotional abuse... and ones that I actually prayed would remain buried if they ever did happen.

Growing up I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused my biological father. When I was around 22, I found out that my father had been sexually abusing my little sister. I remember feelings of panic at hearing it. "How didn't I know?" "I should've stopped it." "Why didn't I see the signs." "He's never done that before."

What I didn't realize is that years later in nightmares, the truth would come out. He had done this before... He had done this to a girl who was close to the family and before that... he did it to me. I have no idea why this information decided to surface, but it did.

The truth is, I am not 100% sure how to process this, or how to deal. But you best believe that as I process and heal, I am going to turn this chaos and ashes into something beautiful.